Married to an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath? You will be alone in this marriage.

Like Katherine Hepburn says, Aspies don't want to be alone,
they simply want to be left alone.  (Image: Flickr.com CC)

“I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.”   ― Audrey Hepburn

Note: I jumped ahead to #30 on the list because I went off on a tangent in my last posting about Aspies and their pathological need to be liked.  I decided to cut it out of there and do this post.

Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths are a funny breed.  They want relationships with people that are close and loving.  They really do.  Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths are extremely lonely people.  What they don't realize, though, is they bring the loneliness on themselves by being so reclusive and difficult.

Aspies actually prefer to be left alone, but they want you to leave them alone while sitting next to them.  They don't want to talk to you, they don't want you to talk to them, they don't want to touch you, they don't want you to touch them.  They just want you to sit next to them and bask in the glory of their deigning to be present.

During your marriage, you'll be treated as an accessory to their life.  You will be the trophy wife, the maid, the cook, the prostitute, the wage earner, the day care provider, the brood mare for their children they want (but also don't want them to bother them), chauffeur, masseuse, and any other role of slavery you can fathom.  But the one thing you WON'T be is an equal partner in the marriage.  You also won't be cherished, honored, respected, acknowledged or treated as though you matter in any way, shape or form beyond any of the above roles.  The signs of this are early in the marriage, if you're paying attention.

Nope, Aspies have people in their life for one reason and one reason only, and that's to serve them.  This is why they work SO hard to win you over.  You are now their new source of Narcissistic Supply.

Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths have an UNCANNY ability to spot your weaknesses so they can exploit them.  I made the mistake of telling my STBE before we were married that I came from an alcoholic family and suffered from abandonment and trust issues as a result.  He zeroed in on those almost from the moment we were married.  It took a few months, because they groom you in very subtle ways, before they hop onto the "let's see how much we can run them down" train.  They actually USE these weaknesses in you to build you up during the "love bombing" stage, working to convince you of what a lovely, trustworthy, loyal, honest person they are.  Once you believe that, the reverse starts happening.

I also told my STBE before we married - Don't ever lie to me.  Even if it's something you think will upset me, I need to know I can always count on you to tell the truth.  I'd rather be hurt by the truth than a lie."  Many years later, in marriage counseling, I brought this up.  His response was, "You didn't mean it."  Really?  I didn't mean it?  That's the best you can do?  You profess to be inside my head to know what I meant when I said this?

For me, the "A-ha" moment came when we'd been married about six months.  As I'd said earlier, I'm a pretty good cook (adventurous is really what it should be called) and I was always trying new recipes.  This particular day, I'd made a dinner salad with three or four types of lettuce, strawberries, hand-made vinaigrette dressing, toasted almonds, smoked turkey, etc.  His kids were there for the weekend and I called everyone to dinner.

I set the large salad bowl down in the center of the table and asked everyone what they wanted to drink?  I went to get the drinks and when I came back, the STBE had served the entire salad to him and his kids, leaving my plate empty.  It was entirely gone with none left for me.  His solution, once he saw me sitting in the living room eating a sandwich (FUMING!) was to tell the kids, "Once you've eaten all you want from your plate, give Nancy the rest."  I got the leftovers?  Really?  I MADE the damn thing and I get the leftovers?????  Fuck that.

See how this devalues you as a person?  Now, in the mind of my STBE, the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, I'm nothing more than a cook and slave.  I'm relegated to eating everyone else's leftovers.

Another example from my life of the "devaluing" stage is something that happened not long after the "salad incident".  Mark's ex-wife had signed the kids up for bowling on Saturday mornings.  Mark would take them to bowling, then lunch, and I'd use the time to clean the entire house and this was no mean task.  See, Mark being the "Disney Dad" (AKA Disneyland Dad), the kids were never required to clean up after themselves, help with housework in any way, they scattered their crap all over the place and generally didn't do anything but sit around with Dad while I waited on them all, hand and foot.

One particular Saturday morning, he took the kids to bowling while I cleaned.  I also washed and ironed all his uniforms, did all the dishes, cleaned the kid's bedrooms, made their beds, cleaned up their crap from the floor, etc.  When Mark and the kids came home around 1 o'clock, he walked in and didn't say a thing about my having cleaned the entire two story row home.  BUT - he did look around and all he said was, "You didn't clean the baseboards.  What's planned for dinner?"  And he walked away.

Again, devaluing me as a person.  I've not met his unrealistic expectations.  I cleaned 1500 square feet of living space but what he noticed was -  I didn't clean the baseboards.  So what did I do?  I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the baseboards.  After so many months of being told by him just how wonderful I was, just how much I fulfilled him, he's now telling me I'm not good enough.

This is where the whole "being alone" kicks in.  No longer are you focused on your expectations of being an equal partner in a good marriage. NOW you're focused on "keeping your man happy" at all costs.  He's unhappy with you so you have to work on this, right?  Because we're all told a good marriage is based on focusing on the needs and the happiness of the other person.  And this IS true.  If you focus on keeping your mate happy, it's like a stone thrown into a pond.  The ripples that come from that spread until it touches every part of your life.

Right?

Not in an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath marriage.  Nope.  As focused as you now are on keeping your man happy, he's that focused on you keeping your man happy.  Now that the devaluing stage has begun, this is where you'll start doing TOO much to keep your man happy and no matter what you do, it won't be enough.  Only NOW, the Aspie will start complaining you're hovering and annoying them with all the attention.  From this point on, the only time your Aspie wants you to pay attention to him is when he's horny or hungry.  Period.  Any other time, they expect you to flit about like a butterfly, attending to their needs, picking up after them, washing their clothes, doing the grocery shopping, keeping the kids out of their hair and generally being the fairy that comes in the middle of the night to take care of the house.

Gone are the late into the night conversations of sharing your future together.  No more pillow talk because once they're done with the sex act, they'll either roll right over and fall asleep or will get up to fastidiously clean themselves as though you have leprosy and they need to get your cooties off of themselves.  No more small talk over dinner because your Aspie will now have become mono-syllabic and will eat as fast as they can so they can go back to their computer/television show/movie, whatever.  Any attempts at conversation over dinner are met with grunts and loud sighs, thereby training you to just sit there, eat your food, and shut the hell up.

They simply want you to leave them ALONE!

Towards the end of my marriage, the STBE started bringing the iPad into the den to "watch television" with me.  However, as soon as he sat down, he'd put the ear buds in and start watching YouTube videos on the thing.  I was ignored.  If I wanted to say something to him, I had to tap his knee.  This was met with a loud sigh, he'd do this whole dramatic thing that involved pausing the video, then taking out his ear buds, then turning to me with another loud sigh and saying, "WHAT?!?!?!"

I finally gave up.  And so should you if you ever want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants you there with them as more than a warm body.

Aspies need to be liked by everyone

Aspies are chameleons, taking on the
personality and persona of the person
they're with or want to attract.
(Image: flickr.com CC)

“Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I'm starting to feel more and more I should be using the term "Narcissist" in all of this.  Aspies and Narcissists are extremely similar and Narcissism is one of the main qualities of being an Aspie.

As much as Aspies and the mental health community would have us believe Aspies are warm, fuzzy kittens all the time, they're not.

Aspies need to be liked SO much, they'll run you down in the process.  They simply don't understand people really CAN like more than one person.

Over the years, the STBE would run into people at work who just didn't like him.  There was really no reason for it, they just didn't like him.  We all have people like that in our lives and it's nothing wrong with you OR them.  Some people just don't like you for whatever reason.  I've never been someone bothered by this but the STBE?  Oh, man, this would make him absolutely CRAZY!  He would try to talk to the person to show them what a wonderful person he is.  If they didn't go for it then, he'd start inviting them to lunch, or for a coffee, or whatever, but if someone doesn't like you, nothing you do will change their mind.

I used to tell the STBE, "Oh my gosh, just let it go!  Not everyone has to like you and there really are people out there in the world who will never like you.  It's nothing to do with you and it's really not personal.  There's just something about you they don't like and it could be something personal to them.  That happens in life, some times."

But he could never let it go.  It would actually keep him up at night.  It was maddening to not just him but me, too, because I was the one who was always required to listen to him talk about it endlessly and it wouldn't end until the person either told him, "Okay, FINE, I like you!" or they left the company or moved to another location.

Now that you're in a committed relationship with the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, you become the target for all their hatred and rage.

Now, the average husband will say nice things about his wife.  She's a good cook.  She takes good care of the kids.  She's has a great memory for detail.  She always gets really great gifts for people at Christmas.  She makes a big deal out of everyone's birthdays.

All of these are things my STBE has said to me at one time or another, in his nicer moments (far and few between), so I know he believes them to be true.  But he's always hated me for these things because he wasn't able to incorporate them into his life.  Aspies choose mates who have the character and personality traits they wish they had.  But these very traits become a reason to hate you down the road.

The Aspie husband, though, is bothered by these parts of my personality/character.  Using the above examples, this is how an Aspie husband handles these items:

My wife is a good cook:  For an Aspie, he's more likely to tell people something along the lines of, "My wife makes SUCH fattening foods, I swear she's trying to kill me".  And always with just the right amount of derision (and based on them making this statement, they might actually come to believe you ARE trying to kill them - Aspies are incredibly paranoid).  Now the kids, both his and ours, would tell anyone who would listen I was a good cook.  At least they used to.  Now they say nothing because that's what Dad trained them to do.  This is called "Abuse by Proxy" or "Proxy Recruitment", because they actually teach the kids to become abusive towards you.

My wife takes good care of the children:  For the Aspie, kids take away attention from THEM, so this is a major, major resentment on their part.  Aspies are more likely to start making it look to the kids as though you pay TOO much attention to them. He might start calling you a "helicopter mom" or working to convince them you're invasive in their lives.  After a long enough time, they start to resent your presence in their lives as anything more than a source for money, clothes or whatever...

My wife has a great memory for detail:  This is another source of angst for the Aspie because they can't remember ANYTHING that has to do with anyone but them.  Tell them one of the kids has a special event and they'll forget, forcing you to remind them over and over.  They resent you for this and can be heard saying, "I swear my wife doesn't forget ANYTHING.  It drives me nuts how she's always bringing something up that happened days/weeks/months/years ago."  Aspies tend to forget they have a running list in their heads of everything "horrible" thing you've ever done to them, real or imagined, and they aren't afraid to whip it out in any and all arguments.

My wife always gets great gifts for people at Christmas:  My STBE was one of those people who would save his Christmas shopping for the very last minute.  He gave no thought to it the other 364 days a year, outside of giving people a list of what HE wanted, so he was never very good at gift buying.  I remember one year I got a shower head for Christmas while he got a really nice sweater, something I knew he needed.  The STBE asked me once, "How is it you always get exactly the right gift for all of us every year?"  I told him, "I pay attention to them when they talk."  He never understood this - this whole paying attention to people.

She makes a big deal out of birthdays:  I've always made a huge deal out of birthdays. I feel we live in a cold world, sometimes, and that everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday.  It's their day and I do everything I can to make it thus.  The birthday person gets to choose dinner that night, whether it's dining out or eating in, makes no difference.  They choose their birthday cake, and Elias would always choose that I make his.  I would sit down with him and have him choose the cake he wanted.  Too difficult?  I didn't care.  I made it because it's what he wanted for his birthday.  Aspies tend to not remember birthdays that aren't theirs.  If I had a nickel for every time I had to remind the STBE it was someone's birthday and he needed to call them, I'd be able to buy an island.  My last birthday before I filed for divorce was forgotten by every single person in the family.  And no one could understand why my feelings were so hurt.  Even my STBE stepdaughter went so far as to say, "But it's okay that we forgot her birthday.  We're Dickinson's, after all."  In their mind, being a Dickinson is synonymous with being thoughtless, and they're okay with that.

Now, all this being said...  Aspies need others to dislike you so they can feel better about themselves.  See?  So-and-so doesn't like you at all but they like ME so I must be a better person.  They use this to chip away at your self-esteem (and Narcissists do this, too) and make you feel badly about yourself.  It's a really subtle thing and usually an off-hand remark made after a company dinner or picnic, after a get-together either at your house or someone else's.  Yeah, Aspies need people to hate you, or at least have you think they hate you.

Why do they do this?  Because Aspies have incredibly low self-esteem.  They know they're different, and instead of embracing being different and "quirky", they try to make those around them look bad so they can look good by comparison.

Also, Aspies tend to hide who they are when starting a relationship.  They will take on the personality of the person they're with at the time and become extremely agreeable people.  You'll think you've found the perfect mate when the truth of the matter is, they're extremely chameleon-like, taking on the likes and dislikes of the person they're courting (this is also called love-bombing).  They will inundate you with flattery, gifts, be agreeable to whatever you suggest and will be SO likable AND lovable!  They will be the PERFECT boyfriend.  (And as a side note: my STBE told me not long before I filed for divorce, "I knew I had these problems before we got married, but I never told you because I was afraid you'd leave me" - How nice for him.  He got what he wanted, but he made me and several children miserable in the process, abusing us all.  But wasn't that fun for him?)

They NEED you to like them to prove to themselves they ARE likable, conveniently forgetting it's them changing into what the other person might need or want, rather than being who they are.  When dating, you ask:

You: Do you feel like a movie tonight?
Him: Sure, that sounds good.
You: What would you like to see?
Him: You pick one.  I want to see whatever you want to see.  OR I don't care, so long as I'm with you.

So you pick something.  What they never tell you afterward is, they never wanted to see that movie and they hated every minute of it.  And so the resentment towards you starts.  Only they'll never TELL you they resent you for this, at least not for a long time.  They're still in the "love bombing" stage, winning you over.

But once you're in a committed relationship with them, it all stops.  They've won you over so there's no need to continue with being "the chameleon".

I can remember the first thing my STBE said to me the moment we were married (literally - the moment we were married).  He turned to me, held my hands in his, looked at me with a tremendous amount of excitement in his eyes and said, "I'm SO glad I married you!" (and right about then in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, what a wonderful thing to say!") but then he followed it up with, "I now have a hot wife!"

Talk about popping your balloon, right?

Nope, once they have you, they have you, and they're not letting go easily.  And so begins life with an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath.

The process of love bombing me, getting me to like him, is now over.

Good luck with the rest of your life with them because it's all downhill from here.

Aspies are gas lighters - Or, "You didn't hear what you thought you heard. You didn't see what you think you saw"

One of the most confusing parts of being married to an Aspie (and those with both Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD - and Bipolar Disorder - BP - will do this too) is they do something called "gas lighting".

Gas lighting is where someone tries to alter your reality for their own purposeful gain, usually bad or manipulative.

In order to understand gas lighting, perhaps understanding the origin of the phrase will help.  Gaslighting is a psychological term related to the mentally ill that comes from the 1940's psychological thriller Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer.

Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer) is a man with a mission.  He marries young Paula (Ingrid Bergman) who has inherited a house in which her aunt was murdered many years earlier.  The killer was never found and once Paula became an adult, she moved into the house with her new husband.  Seems the murdered aunt had some valuables stored in the house and Gregory wanted them.  In order to get them, he had to marry and then get rid of Paula, and the way he chose to get rid of her was to drive her insane.

Throughout the movie, Gregory is doing small things to make Paula believe she's losing her mind.  He'll move a piece of furniture then tell Paula, when she asks about it, "It wasn't me.  You did it and must have forgotten".  He'll turn down the gaslights in the house (and this is where the name of the movie came from) and when asked, "Who turned down the gaslights?" Gregory tells her, "Why, you did.  You don't remember..."  He would move her jewelry to other parts of the house and not tell her, leading her to believe she misplaced it, then when she stopped searching he would put it back in the original place.

While living with a gaslighter isn't usually this obvious (at least to the casual viewer), it's just as damaging as it was to poor Paula in the movie.

What gaslighters are trying to do is alter your reality.  I've caught my STBE in so many affairs it's not even funny anymore.  Every time I'd go to him with evidence, he'd deny it and give an alternate (sort of plausible) explanation that was designed to convince me I wasn't seeing/hearing what I believed I was seeing/hearing.  My STBE would deny until the day he dies I was seeing things wrong.  Alternatively, he'll admit the affairs but find some way to make it entirely my fault and work to convince me of this.

Other times, he would say or do something incredibly hurtful and when I'd call him on it, he'd deny he ever did or said whatever it was I came to him with.

For gaslighters, it's not about being right, it's about convincing you to agree with them, even if it's something so off the wall no one in their right mind would ever believe it.  Even the gas lighter may know they're lying, but it's not about that to them.  It's about YOU saying they're right.  Period.  However, with Aspies, they can come to believe their lies so to them, it's absolutely the truth.

What this will eventually do to the victim over the long term is convince them they ARE crazy.  My STBE's favorite term for it was "delusional".  Towards the end, this kept me up most nights, the wondering if I was, indeed, going crazy.  I'd even gone so far as to see a therapist to find out just how crazy I was.  After three or four sessions, the therapist emphatically told me, "Nancy, you definitely don't have a mental health issue beyond depression from being in an abusive marriage".  This was the first time I heard the term "gaslighting" and had it explained to me.  Once I understood what was happening, I felt infinitely better and the most sane I'd felt in a long, long time.

WHY THEY DO IT

Gaslighters usually don't do this for the same reason Gregory did it to Paula.  Most of us aren't inheriting houses filled with jewels and gems.  Gaslighters now do it as a form of self-preservation.  As I'd said earlier, it's not just Aspies who do this but those with NPD and BP.  Also, people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are known for this, too.

Aspies, NPDs, BPs, BPDs, NEED your admiration and that of others to feed their low self-esteem. (See this article on Narcissistic supply).  If you're confronting any of these people with a fault or problem in the relationship, their first reaction is to deny there's anything wrong with them at all, that it's you who needs "fixing".  They will then launch into a tirade of just how many faults you have and will sprinkle it with "paranoia" (you), utter perfection (them), and will work to convince you of this, all of this.

The conversation might go something like this:

You:  John, I've been concerned about something that's going on and I need to address it with you.

Them: (Giving you an attentive look) Certainly, let's sit down and talk about it.

You:  I ran a virus check on the computer today and was in the history under your login.  I saw in there you're spending a lot of time inside a website that focuses on helping spouses cheat.  Based on the history, it looks like you're going there several times a day.  It has me worried you're cheating on me again.

Him: (Loud sigh, rolling of the eyes and starts with a loud voice/yelling) I'm SO sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating!  I've never cheated on you (and my STBE actually said this to me, after having been caught in several affairs) and if you weren't so paranoid you wouldn't be going into my history looking for it (you'd already given them the real and valid reason why you were in there, but to successfully complete their gaslighting of you, they need to alter reality - both yours and his).  This is SUCH a violation of MY privacy!  I swear, you're getting crazier by the day and WHY I stay with you is beyond me!  Everyone at work always talks about how much they can't stand you and I always defended you but I just don't see how I can do that anymore!  You should see a therapist about this paranoia!  And since you're always accusing me of cheating, how do I know it's not YOU who's cheating and trying to deflect it onto me!  I DEMAND you apologize to me RIGHT NOW for these unfounded and made up accusations of cheating on you!

It's at this point you're really upset and defending yourself.  Several things have happened during this rant:

1. The gaslighter has gotten you off the original discussion, his possible cheating
2. The gaslighter now has you on the defensive
3. The gaslighter is telling you you're paranoid (and not for the first time, I'm sure)
4. The gaslighter is telling you that you should be seeing a therapist
5. The gaslighter is now telling you that your questioning his fidelity is actually you attempting to hide the fact that you're the cheater (even though you're not)
6. The gaslighter is further undermining your confidence in yourself
7. The gas lighter has successfully diverted not just the conversation about your feelings, but he's also probably gotten you the the point of apologizing.
8. He now has you focusing on his feelings, his needs, his wants and you feelings, needs and wants are no longer even of topic.

Mission accomplished for the gas lighter.  If you've been in a conversation in the past that sounds like this, it's probably time for you to take steps to either put a stop to this or to extricate yourself from the relationship.

And one final thought to leave you with, as you're reeling from the abuses of the Aspie gaslighting you.  I found this on a website I found called Live In the Moment and it's SO true and SO life affirming!

What creates your “broken heart” when you get rejected

When someone rejects you without saying anything negative about you, you will likely begin to immediately think 2 things. First, you decide what the other person thinks about you, and then you believe that their opinion must be right. In other words, you make an assumption about what they think about you, and then you form the conclusion that what they think must be true.

Here are a few common examples:

1. The assumption about what they think: “He thinks I’m not good enough”, “He thinks something is wrong with me”, or “He doesn’t think I am worthy of love”
2. The conclusion that what they think must be true: “If he thinks I’m not good enough, then I must not be good enough”, “If he thinks something is wrong with me, there must be something wrong with me”, or “If he doesn’t think I am worthy of love, then I must not be worthy of love”

You may be aware of these thoughts or you may not be. But if you’re feeling hurt, they are there.

Once we believe these negative thoughts about ourselves, we are essentially worsening our opinion of ourselves. When our opinion of ourselves worsens, we experience the feeling of hurt or being broken hearted. (I won’t get into the details of why this creates hurt in this post).

To help you with this, I'm putting some links here to help you:

Are You Being Gaslighted?

10 Signs Your Man Is 'Gaslighting' You to Make You Seem Crazy  (Note: The writing on this is kind of poor and the examples given are pretty mild, innocuous and naive.  This was obviously written by someone who's never been through it.  But the overall message is the same as I'm trying to impart here)

Aspies are the masters of manipulation

What I'm going to write here might overlap with #10 on the list - Aspies are the most literal people you'll ever meet.

You can't pay enough money to... cure that feeling of being broken and confused. ~ Winona Ryder

I know this post is supposed to be about being manipulated by your Aspie, but it's important to know that they manipulate you by keeping you confused and/or angry pretty much all the time.  How do they do this?  By denying they've said something you KNOW they said.  Or denying doing something you KNOW they've done.  The thing to remember about Aspies is - they'll lie even when the truth won't hurt them.

Aspies aren't a group of people who can just come to you and say, "Honey, I'm upset about something and I'd like to discuss it with you."  

No, no, no, no, no...  That would be too easy to just come out and have open, honest communication.  

Let's say you made meatloaf for dinner and used a spice the Aspie didn't like, say...  Mint.  They won't TELL you they don't like the mint.  In fact, they'll tell you how GREAT your meatloaf is, so much so you're absolutely convinced it's their favorite meal and will make it once a week for 20 years.  What's going on during that 20 years, though, is quite different inside the head of an Aspie:

• First time eating said meatloaf - Wow, I really don't like this spice she used in the meatloaf.  But if I tell her I don't like it, she'll be upset.  I suppose I'll just tell her how good it is.
• Second time eating said meatloaf - I really, really don't like this spice and she's made it AGAIN!  Why would she make this?  Doesn't she know I don't like this mint?  But if I tell her I don't like it, she'll get mad at me.
• Third time eating said meatloaf - AGAIN!  Mint in the meatloaf!  I swear she could screw up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!  Why is she STILL making it this way??  But if I tell her I don't like it, it'll start a big fight and I'll lose.  So I'll just have to *SIGH* tell her AGAIN how much I love it!
• Fourth through 125th time eating said meatloaf - The Aspie hates the meatloaf every single time you make it but says nothing at all about their not liking it.  Instead, they keep it in their head, allowing their anger to grow each and every time they eat it, telling you the entire time how much they love it, leading you to believe you are the Julia Child of meatloafs.  However, by the time they've gotten to this point, they've already built up inside their heads that telling you will lead to an argument of epic proportions and aren't they the dear, dear man for sparing your feelings?  But they've also decided they hate you for not KNOWING they don't like the meatloaf.
• After about six to twelve months of serving this meatloaf to them because they told you how much they loved it, they finally blow up at you, spend a few hours ranting at you over just how stupid you are for not knowing how much they hate mint in the meatloaf and what a horrible, selfish, narcissistic person you are for not knowing this.  When you ask them why they didn't tell you the first time they didn't like it and their response is always the same, "Because I knew you'd yell at me."

My STBE ASH would do this constantly.  I call this "pulling the rug out from under me".  I'm going along in life, thinking everything's fine and dandy, then the STBE would come along, rant at me over a variety of ills and transgressions he's imagined I committed, most of which were blown up in his head, and use the rest of his time to give you a truly good dose of "You suck and this is why".

I'm sure by now you're asking yourself - but what does this have to do with manipulation.  I'm getting there now.

By doing this often enough and regularly enough, it throws you off balance with regard to your Aspie and their moods.  You never know when or if they're going to blow up on you (often called a "meltdown" in the Aspie world) or about what.  You've also been called so many names over time that they're starting to have the desired affect on your self-esteem and you might be starting to believe them, even a little bit.  You are now ripe for manipulation by the Aspie and this is when the abuse really kicks into high gear.

From this point forward, your Aspie will hit you, maybe not really hard, but hard enough, and when you protest, they tell you, "Oh, jeez, I didn't hit you that hard at all!  In fact, it was more of a nudge and you're making to much of it!  Why are you so sensitive?"  You might have been sent flying across the room, but your Aspie will spend the next million years if they have to in order to convince you that it's not that HE hit you, it's that YOU'RE too sensitive.  Your Aspie will start saying things to you that are designed to hurt you emotionally and when you call them on this, they tell you, "Jeez Louise!  I was just kidding!  You're just SO sensitive!"  They make your hurt feelings and hurt arm YOUR fault for not understanding they're really not the jerk you think they are, it's just that YOU'RE too sensitive.  In short, it's your fault.

The bad behavior will start to escalate.  Most likely, they're now into the porn and/or cheating.  When I found out about my STBE's first affair, it was at a time when my father was dying of cancer and I had cancer myself.  His excuse for the affair?  "You weren't paying enough attention to me." No, ma'am, it's not that he's a lying, cheating prick, it's that YOU didn't pay enough attention to him while your father was dying and you were sick yourself.  It ALWAYS has to be about Le Petit Prince!

No matter what the Aspie does wrong or hurtful or painful, it's going to be your fault.  Always.  You will find yourself taking responsibility for everything wrong in the marriage and will begin researching all sorts of therapy to get into so you can do just a little bit more to make the marriage better.  Once the Aspie gets you to this point, you are his trained monkey and will do his bidding  to the point of exhaustion.  He now has "the perfect wife", one who will do anything to keep him happy (and not realizing there's no keeping an Aspie happy - these are people who aren't happy unless they're sad).  You will do all the housework, cook all the meals, wash all the clothes, take care of everything that has to do with the kids, paint the living room by yourself, build that new garage with no help - whatever he asks, his wish is your command.  It's been SO drummed into you what a horrible wife and person you are, you'll do anything to make him happy.

But the abuse doesn't stop just because you're now the equivalent of a Stepford Wife.  They have to keep up a steady stream of abuse in order to keep you under their thumb.  If you clean the entire house's carpets with a toothbrush and they'll find something wrong - perhaps you left the nap in the wrong direction or something else totally stupid and bizarre.  Aspies refuse to acknowledge you're doing anything right.  They can't have you gaining any self-esteem at all.  They won't say a word about the 1,000 things you did right. They will focus solely on the one thing you didn't do, such as wipe down the baseboards.  This is the ONLY thing they will notice, time and again until you give up and do it, just to get that external validation.  Once you submit and wipe down the baseboards, you stand back and wait for the praise.  But the praise will never come.  They'll proudly tell themselves what a good job they did in getting you to submit to their will by wiping down the baseboards and then say, "Um, you didn't do the window sills" or some other innocuous thing.  So begins the next cycle of abuse/submission.  You will NEVER get praise from them.  They only see what their next step in the manipulation/control process will be.

My advice with regard to combating this?  Get out.  Get out of the relationship.  This will never change because it's just not in their nature to change, nor do they want to.  And why should they?  By doing things the way they've been doing them up to now, they get whatever they wish.

Marriage to an Aspie - Aspies WILL lie to you

Everything you read online about Asperger's is they're the single most honest people you'll ever meet - bar none.  In fact, they tell themselves and everyone else, it's their honest that gets them into the most trouble - yes, dear, those jeans DO make your butt look fat!

This is BULLSHIT!

Every single Aspie spouse I've talked to (again, dozens, if not hundreds) has shared their Aspie husbands are the biggest liars, and not just about big things.  One of the comments I'd made so many times to people about my STBE was - he'd lie even if the truth wouldn't hurt him.  And I've heard the same from other Aspie wives.  Things like - Who turned down the thermostat to 45 degrees?  Let's say it's just you and the Aspie living in the house.  Your Aspie will look at you and say, "It wasn't me.  It must have been you."

Now, you KNOW you didn't do it.  Surely you'd have remembered that, right?  It HAD to have been the Aspie.  And, really, let's just say it; it's really not THAT big a deal.  You were really just wondering, that's all.  It doesn't matter to the Aspie.  They imagine all sorts of scenarios and every single one of them ends with you being a massive bitch.  Because of this, they'll say nothing and make it your fault for not knowing just "why" they're upset with you, thus refuse to simply say, "Oh, yeah, it was me sweetheart!  I brought home a side of beef and wanted the house to be cold enough to preserve it while I cut it up for storage."

Oh, okay.  I get it now.  Moving on...

Aspies are also pretty creative when it comes to their lies, too.  As an example, let me use my own STBE and an event from our lives several years ago:

My STBE has had four separate affairs (and every single one of them believed him when he told them they were the only time he'd ever done that - HA!  Stupid fat cow bitches.  That graphic designer who was screwing him while my dad was dying?  He was seeing two other people while he had her believing "she" was the only one - honey, here's a tip...  If he's cheating on his wife, he'll cheat on you.  Seriously, get some common sense, pride and dignity) Anyway...  With that graphic designer, Fat Cow Slut Pam, I'd been telling him for a year I knew he was cheating on me with someone at work.  For months, here's how the conversation went, every time.

Me: STBE, I'm looking at your pay statement here and I'm not seeing anything about the overtime you told me you'd worked a couple days ago.

STBE Aspie: Oh, yeah, it'll be on my next check.

Me (two weeks later): I thought you told me that overtime you worked a couple weeks ago would be on this check?

STBE Aspie: No, I didn't.  And I didn't work any overtime.

Me: Yes, you did, it was on (insert date here).  STBE, I know you worked overtime!  You didn't get home on... until nearly 8 o'clock that evening.  Are you cheating on me with someone at work?

STBE Aspie: No, baby (he called us all baby - makes it easier to not yell out the wrong name while in the throes of screwing any slut with a vagina) I'm not cheating on you with anyone at work.  I SWEAR!  On a BIBLE!

Fast forward to about six months later when I started getting calls from a couple of angry husbands (he liked cheating with people who were ALSO cheating.  It added to the thrill, I suppose) I confront him with it and say, "How in the WORLD were you able to look me in the eye and lie to me about cheating on me with someone at work?"

His response?  "That's not what you asked me.  I never cheated with her at work.  We always went somewhere else."

Oh, okay, sorry for the misunderstanding.

Every Aspie Spouse I've interacted with tells me their Aspies cheated on them, too. Either with a regular person or with prostitutes.  Every. Single. One.  Didn't even matter if they were male or female. They ALL cheated.  More than once.

Every one of these affairs - he was caught with the goods.  An email, a text message, phone calls, instant messaging transcripts, you name it, he was caught every single time. Each and every time he was confronted with the evidence of this cheating, he'd get this sly smile and deny to my face, even with printouts of emails, screenshots of text messages, that I was taking "Can we meet at such-and-such hotel?" out of context and it wasn't what I thought it was.  That CLEARLY I was the person in the wrong, accusing him of something he wasn't doing and, by God, I needed to apologize to him!  He would always say this with just the right amount of righteous indignation, so that I understood he meant business!

Then there are the lies of omission.  My STBE Aspie would tell people the most horrible things about me, such as, "She's always going through my computer, tablet and cell phone looking for something".  But he wouldn't tell them he cheated like a card counter in Vegas, necessitating my snooping so much.  He would tell people I threw a glass at him, leaving out the part where I was walking to the door to see what one of the dogs was barking at with a glass in my hand, that the dog jumped up on me, knocking it out of my hand and sending it sailing about three feet, where it crashed on the floor and his foot.  He would tell people how I tried to hit him with the car, leaving out the part where I was backing out of the driveway with just my car keys, so I could get to a safe place to get away from one of his beatings and he threw himself on the hood to stop me from leaving.  He would tell people I refused to buy him cereal, conveniently leaving out the part where I'd just bought four boxes of cereal a week earlier and he ate them all in the first five days they were in the house.

Yes, Aspies are liars, through and through.

But wait, there's more!

Which brings me to gas-lighting, an aspect of this whole lying thing.  I won't go too much into it since there's a great deal about it available online (and I'll include some links), but I will say, it's the part of his lying that brought me to the brink of suicide.  It had me telling our marriage counselor, "I really think I need to be admitted to the hospital for delusions." 

And I was serious.

The term "gas lighting" is a fairly new psychological term, borrowed from the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie "Gaslight".  In this movie, a young woman moves into her deceased aunt's home following her marriage.  She's young and in love but her husband has married her for the sole purpose of taking from her the estate she'd inherited from her aunt years earlier, including the house.  To do this, he works a plan to drive her to insanity through manipulation.  He would turn down the gas lights in the house, then when she asked about them being turned down, would tell her she'd done it and didn't remember.  He would move furniture and when she inquired, again, as to it being moved, would tell her she'd done it.  She'd protest at not remembering it, he would then work to convince her she had.  The movie goes on like this until a family friend...  Well, I won't tell you the ending.  Find it on Netflix or Amazon and watch this frightening psychological thriller. 

Gas lighting is one of the more damaging aspects of being with an Aspie.  The reason this ties into the lying is this:  Your Aspie will say or do something that's hurtful and/or abusive.  When you call them on it, as in bring up to them this being a problem in the relationship, they'll deny ever saying or doing whatever "it" was.  You will, of course, tell them you distinctly remember them saying or doing this, to which they'll work to convince you otherwise.  They'll even go so far as to tell you, "You're delusional." or "You're just too sensitive" or (following their being just a little too rough with their horseplay, which they do quite a bit) "I was only kidding.  What's wrong with you?" Aspies need to alter your reality to fit theirs so they can go on abusing you.  This is a defense mechanism of theirs in order to protect their confusing and disjointed world.  And they need you to believe everything they say, even if it means going insane yourself.

When an Aspie is gas lighting you, it's not about them being right or wrong, it's about you agreeing with them, even if it's a lie.  They do this to aid in their showing the rest of the world you're the crazy one and they're perfectly normal.

There is a book I read, once an acquaintance told me what this was - what to call it - that opened my eyes so completely I read it in one day.  I simply couldn't put it down.  This book, written by Dr. Robin Stern, is one of the BEST books you'll ever read if you're in an abusive relationship, "The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life".  Seriously, read it.  It will open your eyes like they've never been opened before.  Finally, Gas Lighters are predators, pure and simple.  They need you to be confused and off-balance.  They WANT you to be this way so they can go on abusing you.  This is part of the process of separating you from your loved ones - the very people who are in the best position to help you the most - so you're basically trapped with them, to go on being abused.

Are you being Gaslighted?

(Excerpted from Power in Relationships: Are you being Gas Lighted? - PsychologyToday.com

How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs: 

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself

2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.

3. You often feel confused and even crazy... when talking to your gaslighter.

4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.

5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.

6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.

7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists. 

10. You have trouble making simple decisions.

11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

12. You feel hopeless and joyless.

13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.

14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.

This post has actually gone on longer than it probably should have, but the lies and gas lighting will do you in fast than anything else will.  Trust me on this one. If you even see a little bit of yourself in any of this, get out.  Get out of the relationship just as fast as you can extricate yourself safely.

Asperger's in Adults or What the hell am I dealing with?

“One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.”   ― John Lennon

Being married to someone with Asperger's is the kind of marriage where you're married to someone with no emotions, no physical reaction to emotion and refuses to be anything but "logical".

According to the medical journals, DSM and other professional diagnostic books and such, Asperger's is:

Excerpted from the DSM-IV (but with the introduction of the DSM-V, Asperger's is no longer a recognized diagnosis, being placed now inside the Autism Spectrum as "High Functioning")

1.  Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

• Marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction
• Failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
• A lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
• lack of social or emotional reciprocity

2.   Restricted repetitive & stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities
3.  The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
4.  There is no clinically significant general delay in language
5.  There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction) and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

Blah-Blah-Blah-Blahbity--Blah...

Let me break this down for you, using the above as a guide (And I'm not a psychiatrist, just someone who's seen many of them with my STBE ASH):

1.  They have higher than average problems with being in a social situation, and to be diagnosed with Asperger's, it should be at least two of the following:

• Trouble with the use of the average non-verbal social actions most of us use.  Actions such as making eye contact with the person with whom they're talking, changing their facial expression to match the conversation such as laughing when something's funny, showing sadness when something's sad, etc., having a more relaxed body language - not crossing their arms over their chest, sitting with crossed legs, etc., and more relaxed gestures directed at the other person to show engagement and to facilitate the continuance of the conversation, such as a pat on the shoulder, the shaking of hands, maybe a wink to show solidarity.
• This is all about having real friends in your age group at the same maturity level as you.  Aspies tend to make friends with people who are either older or younger than themselves, generally younger since they suffer from a frozen maturity level around that of a pre-teen or so.
• This means sharing their lives with others, such as "Honey, I got a promotion!" or "I got an A on my final!"  Aspies tend to either not say anything at all or downplay it when they do.  They'll also fail to recognize your accomplishments, not really caring.  They're not ones to share photos of their kids or family at all and it's rare you'll actually see a photo of an Aspie, and when you do, they're tense as all get out, not smiling, not looking at the camera or wearing sunglasses.
• This is the hardest part of living with an Aspie full-time, as a spouse, child or significant other - the lack of engagement in day-to-day life.  Not only do they not share their life with you, they don't want you to share your life with them.  Also, these are the guys who when you say, "I love you" respond with a smile, nothing at all or "Yeah, me, too."  Any conversation with them is stilted and awkward because they simply don't take part in it beyond grunts or an occasional, "uh-huh".

2.  Aspies have MAJOR focus when it comes to their "special interests".  They'll have a hobby and their whole life is about that hobby, to the detriment of everyone and everything else in their life.  They'll do this hobby in every single free minute they have.  Some Aspie might even have a tic of some kind (called a "Stim" or "Stimming", which is short for "Stimulation or Stimulator") that brings them comfort in stressful situations.  The Stimming is different and individual to the Aspie, but you'll know it when you see it.

3.  Asperger's causes them problems in most facets of their life, be it with friends, or at work, or in another environment that requires them to interact with others. ( My STBE ASH was recently challenged at work over his knowledge of a certain subject pertaining to his job.  It was a mild challenge, but a co-worker had to come into the room to prevent my STBE from slugging the poor man)

4.  They seem to have pretty normal speech patterns and such but to those of us who live with them daily, we tend to notice little "idiocyncracies", such as a slower speech pattern, saying the wrong word in certain situations, etc.  Once, my STBE was told by a psychiatrist he felt my STBE was mildly retarded because of his slow, careful, measured speech pattern.

5.  Aspies generally have higher than average IQs and if employed are generally EXTREMELY good at what they do.  This is part of why it's so hard to get people to see just what the matter is.  They can be extremely good problem solvers if you can get them to focus on the problem at hand - which is difficult to do.  Most Aspies, by the time they are adults, have honed their skills of adaptability to suit most social and external (meaning outside the home) situations.  They are very chameleon-like and can easily fool people.

Okay, all this being said, my STBE has ALL these problems, with the exception of stimming.  I don't know I ever saw him stim at all.  However, he came from an extremely dictatorial father and an apathetic and childish mother who allowed her feelings to be hurt over the slightest infraction to the extent it would send her to bed, what I've come to call the "Shrinking Violet Routine".  She's a Drama Queen to the nth degree, as is my STBE.  Anyway, the stimming - if I had to guess, it would be that his father spanked it out of him.  His dad was never strong on letting people be who they are.  It was his way or the highway.  And the STBE got spanked A LOT.  

But he hangs onto stuff longer than he should and makes it sound worse than it really was.  Unless it was him committing some sort of action that had you gasping at its violence.  Then he downplayed it completely to become the single most innocuous act known to man and wasn't I the proper fool for seeing it any other way?  My STBE had a particular fondness for being too aggressive with my dog, which he hated with a passion.  He told me once he hated her so much because she and I had similar personalities.  However, he would get pretty aggressive with her and when she reacted the way a dog would, he'd haul off and hit her either with his fist or open hand; every so often, he'd kick her.  When I'd deign to tell him what I thought of this abuse, he'd start in on me, drumming into me just how wrong I was, that I didn't see what I saw or heard what I heard.  If my dog would yelp in response to his hitting her or harming her in some way, and I'd hear it and say something, he'd start in on, "That's just how she is!  She over reacts to EVERYTHING!"  (now he's gas-lighting a dog?)

Speaking of the "hanging onto stuff longer than he should"...  My STBE is 53 years old and is STILL upset over a dirt bike his younger brother got when he was 15 and his brother was 12.  He's STILL angry and hurt about it because HE wanted a dirt bike and his parents KNEW it!

He can also give you a litany of the last 21 years of every transgression he believes I've committed against him, either real or imagined.  But, ask him to remember saying something horrible to you, like the time he told me he couldn't stand to see me without clothes on because I was so fat it made him nauseous, and he'll take to the grave with him the insistence he never said that and that I'm making it up because I need to find something wrong with him.  (Seriously, I never had to look hard - he was always doing something that was either hurtful or annoying)

I'm starting to ramble, now.  I've been forced into silence for so long, I have too much to say, all the time.  That's the reason for this blog, to get it off my chest and try to help others at the same time.  Misery loves company and all that, you know.

Be on the lookout for my next post and tell me what you think of this one.

Marriage with an Aspie - what you have to look forward to.

People can be cruel, and they will be. People can hurt you, break your heart and they will. But only you can let them keep hurting you... ~unknown

What's it like being married to an Aspie?  It's maddening.

Don't let the sites you're reading tell you, "With just a little more love and patience, all will be well."  Nope, not for an Aspie.  No matter how much love and patience you give them, they want more.  So you give a little more.  Then they want more.  So you give just a little more.  And they want even more.  This goes on for the duration of your marriage.  Aspies are always raising the bar until you get to the point you simply can't reach any higher or do any more, then they start yelling at you constantly, they berate you, they call you names, sometimes they'll even hit you and throw things at you, not because they raised the bar to unattainable levels, but because you just don't love them enough to keep jumping through hoops for them.

The reality is, roughly 80% of Aspie-NT (neuro-typical, which is the name given to the non-Aspie partner) marriages end in divorce.  I've looked high and low for a link to back this up and can't find one, but it's been referenced several times online from "a Relate leaflet", in p42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford.

All this being said, these are some basic truths I've come up with due to my interactions with other NTs married to Aspies.  I should say, these are my personal observations and aren't based on anything scientific in any way.  It was these characteristics of their NT/AS marriages that led my STBE and I to his diagnosis from our marriage counselor that he is, indeed, an Aspie.  It was his therapist at the VA who came up with the Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD) diagnosis.  It was another VA therapist who seems to have told him he didn't need an Asperger's diagnosis because it would just make his marriage worse.  I don't know WHAT he's been telling them at the VA, but based on past history, it probably wasn't good.

I want to note, I'll eventually expand on these "truths" as a separate post, and as I create them, I'll try to remember to link back to them and vice versa.

1.  If you've married an Aspie, it'll make an appearance within the first two years of your marriage - Some go longer, some go shorter if kids come along, but it seems two years seems to be the limit for their ability to keep it all under wraps.  Also, whether you dated 10 days or 10 years, or somewhere in between, you'll have seen NO signs of them being an Aspie.  Every spouse I've talked to tells me they saw nothing that sent up any red flags while they dated their spouses.  My own STBE Aspie finally admitted to me he knew he had these issues, mental illness and emotional problems before he even met me but he hid them from me out of fear I'd leave him.

2.  Aspies don't want kids - Aspies are EXTREMELY needy people.  Kids take your attention away from them.  There's more, but this is the gist of it.  If you're married to an Aspie, you WILL be the primary caregiver and they don't reciprocate.  It's like having another child, seriously.

3.  Aspies are loners - but they don't want to be alone.  More on that later.

4.  Aspies will always make it about them - no matter what.  If you're lying in the middle of the road, having just been run over by a car, they won't call 9-1-1 until you have a full understanding of just "why" this is so difficult for them.

5.  Aspies WILL lie to you - everything you read about Asperger's tells you Aspies are extremely honest people.  This must have been something an Aspie tried to convince everyone of because I've yet to meet the spouse of an Aspie who hasn't told me their spouse lied constantly, even when the truth wouldn't hurt them.

6.  They'll cheat on you - and they'll do it more than once, if you stay with them after the first affair.  Another misnomer about Aspies is - they're extremely loyal.  Loyalty and faithfulness are two different words in the dictionary and they are two different words to an Aspie.  Every single NT spouse I've interacted with, and it's been dozens (over 100, at least) has told me their Aspie spouse cheated on them at least once, most of them more than once.  I cover this in the posting I did about #5, Aspies WILL lie to you.

7.  Aspies are huge pornography fans - Every single NT spouse of an Aspie told me and the groups their spouse was addicted to pornography, bar none.  Every. Single. One.

8.  Aspies aren't huge fans of sex - Except with themselves.  Once again, every single NT spouse I've talked to - every single one - tells me their Aspie spouse refuses to have sex with them 99.9% of the time, generally once or twice a year, with most of them sharing they'd not had sex with their Aspie in years.  However, Aspies DO like to masturbate; apparently a great deal.  I'm still scratching my head on this one.

9.  Aspies are the masters of manipulation -  If you're married to an Aspie, you'll spend your entire life with them trying to stay one step ahead of their circuitous thinking.  It's exhausting, to say the least.  (See #10)

10.  Aspies are the most literal people you'll ever meet - and while they can't help this, they also use it to their advantage.  For over a year, I'd suspected my STBE Aspie was having an affair with someone he worked with.  There was overtime not showing up on his paycheck, he was suddenly not available when I called, he wasn't saying, "I love you" to me on the phone much anymore and he'd started neglecting things around the house, such as mowing the lawn.  For a year, I'd been saying to him, "Are you having an affair with someone at work?"  For a year, he was answering me with, "No, I'm not."  When the slut he was sleeping with was finally caught by her husband, who ended up being someone I'd grown up with, and he called me about it, I'd said to my STBE Aspie, "How could you look me in the eye and lie to me about cheating with your co-worker?"  His response?  Typical Aspie - That's not what you asked me.  You asked me if I was cheating with someone at work.  We never did anything at work.

11.  Aspies are abusive - In a variety of ways.  Mentally, emotionally, physically and verbally abusive, sometimes all at the same time.  And if you raise kids with them, they'll become abusive, too.

12.  Aspies are gas lighters - Gas lighting is a psychological term coined from the 1944 movie "Gas Light" starring Ingrid Bergman.  Gas lighting is one of the single most damaging personality "quirks" an Aspie has. It's the one that'll drive you to the brink of insanity and it's the one that will have you running, screaming out the door for the divorce attorney.  Seriously.  It's that bad.

13.  Aspies are NEVER at fault - They will do this dance a hundred different ways to deflect the blame off themselves and will say or do anything to keep the smell off of themselves, even blaming loved ones who had nothing to do with it and weren't even in the room at the time.

14.  Aspies will use the children against you - Aspies make lousy parents.  I joke that it's because they can't stand the competition, but it's not too far from the truth.  However, they will say horrible things about you to the kids.  They will undermine you every chance they get.  They will be the "good" parent while you are forced to be the "bad" parent simply because the Aspie doesn't really parent at all, unless it's an opportunity to elevate themselves in some way.

15.  Aspies need to be liked by everyone - Aspies are generally socially inept.  As such, their need to be liked is all-prevailing and they're able to be whomever you need them to be.  They are very chameleon-like in their personality and can turn it off and on at will.  This relates to #14 because they do this to the kids.  You WILL become their scapegoat in all matters pertaining to them, both good and bad.

16.  Aspies are indecisive - to the point of being crippling to a relationship.  Aspies are SO terrified of being wrong, thus "not liked", they have a difficult time deciding which way to go when a major (or minor) decision needs to be made.  And if you can pin them down to a decision, most times they'll come back six months later and say, "I didn't really want to do it that way, I just through that's what you wanted to hear or for me to say" or "I though that's what you wanted me to say."  Unless it's a GOOD decision and then they'll take all the credit.

17.  Aspies seem to have "food issues" - I'm still working on this one in my head, but I've yet to come across an Aspie spouse who DIDN'T have some sort of issues with food.

18.  Aspies will self-medicate - Whether it's drugs or alcohol, they'll do it, even when they know it could cost them their jobs, marriages and kids.

19.  Aspies are narcissists - Aspies are simply unable to imagine anyone's feelings or needs beyond their own.  Period.  Nacissism, Bipolar Disorder and Asperger's are often misdiagnosed, one for the other, so often because they're so much alike.  If you're marrying an Aspie, get ready to never have your feelings count for anything ever again.

20.  Aspies may also have an underlying mental illness - This isn't to say Asperger's is a mental illness, it's not.  BUT - it's not uncommon for an Aspie to have an additional mental illness or two.  Generally, the mental illness with be Bi-Polar Disorder, schizophrenia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and/or severe depression and anxiety.  While the depression, anxiety and panic disorders ARE pretty prevalent in most people with Asperger's, it's also suggested that perhaps Asperger's has many of the same symptoms as several mental illnesses and they aren't part of the mix.  It's also not uncommon for a diagnosis to be given of Asperger's that's actually a mental illness of some kind, and vice versa.

21.  Aspies don't have the ability to empathize - What this means is, if you're going through a major life crisis, such as the death of a parent or other loved one, you'll go through it alone, unless you have a supportive circle of friends.  I can look back on every major difficulty in my life and equate it to when my STBE had an affair.  He simply can't handle my paying attention to anyone BUT him, even if that "anyone" was a dead loved one.  My heartache at the loss of a loved one was an annoyance to him.

22.  Don't expect to have many friends - Whether it's because they take your time away from the Aspie, or it's your Aspie's odd behavior (and they can get really odd), your circle of friends will grow smaller and smaller with each passing year, until you're completely alone with your Aspie, which is exactly where he wants you.  If there's no one else in your life, you can devote ALL your spare time to taking care of your Aspie.

23.  You will be separated from your family - Because Aspie's are abusive, they will separate you from your family as most abusers do.  It will be so subtle and so pervasive, you won't even see it happening until it's happened - and the kids are fair game to them.  Anyone who is in a position to help you, anyone you trust implicitly, anyone who could possibly see things from your point of view is a threat to the Aspie way of life and they MUST get them out of your world.  They will say and do anything to separate you from your family.  I learned this one the hard way.

24.  Everything they loved about you when they married you is now hated - Was it your ready smile that drew them to you?  Your fierce independence?  Your ability to make people laugh?  Was it the way you could work a room at any party?  It could have been one of these things or all of these things that they LOVED about you when they met and married you.  And, yes, they loved them all.  But as time passes, they will work, diligently, to remove these parts of your personality and they'll do it with a surgical precision that would leave even Dr. Ben Carson in awe.

25.  Aspies hate Neurotypicals - we are the person they want to be and when it's they who fail, we carry the blame.

26.  They will wish for your death, almost daily - We, the spouses of these Aspies, know them better than anyone else because we live with them day in and day out.  As the people who know them best, we're the people with the greatest capacity to hurt them and they hate this about us.  They hate us for knowing them so well and they hate us for being realistic about them and their shortcomings.  Because of this, they want us to die.  They might even write in their journals about it.  They might even refuse to take us to the doctor for a serious illness because they want us to die so much.  This isn't to say they don't love us, they just want us to die.

27.  They will want you to love them for who they are - Sounds good, right?  Unconditional love?  Who doesn't want that.  Except they don't operate in that way.  Their love is completely conditional on you pleasing them.  If you displease them, they won't tell you, they'll just shut you out entirely.  No talking, no acknowledgement, no attention at all.  They won't stop this until you apologize.  For what you ask?  No one but the Aspie knows and they're not telling.  But apologize you will.

28.  If you come to your senses and decide to divorce the Aspie - Get ready for the fight of your life.  Most high-conflict divorces are the result of an Aspie being left.  They truly see themselves as the ideal spouse and parent when, in fact, the opposite is true.  Because of this, they simply can't understand why you'd leave such a prize and this leaves them angry.  Also, remember back to #13 and #19?  It's never their fault and they refuse to accept that the needs of anyone but them matters.  This makes for some rough courtroom time.  They'll say and do anything, even lying to do it, to maintain the status quo.  Aspies and narcissists need a victim to keep their egos at a healthy level (healthy for them, not for anyone else) and if they don't have someone to dump on, they can't stand it.

29.  You will start to look crazy yourself - I can remember when my STBE and I saw marriage counselor #37 or so.  I remember telling her, "I feel as though I'm always being manipulated" to which she replied, "That's a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder".  She was trying to tell me I had BPD.  I couldn't get her to understand I WAS being manipulated all the time!  My STBE wouldn't come to me to talk about something, such as, "You know, honey, I think I need some new jeans and would like to go get some.  Can we afford that this payday?"  No, no, no... That would be too easy.  Instead, what he'd do is start "talking" about jeans, never actually committing to the "want" or "need" part, just kind of talking about them, much like a child would hint at what they wanted for Christmas.  It would be days and weeks of his "hinting" at something with me giving a non-committal response.  I wasn't AWARE he wanted new jeans because he wasn't telling me!  This would go on for quite a while before I'd finally snap and say, "Oh, for the love of God and all that's holy, just go get the DAMN JEANS!"  Once he got what he wanted, he would move onto the next "want", not by asking, but by "hinting".  To the Aspie, it's all about getting what they want through manipulations, lies and outright trickery.  I "appeared" crazy because of what I was living with at home.  I "felt" like I was being manipulated because I WAS being manipulated - ALL THE TIME!

30.  You will be alone in this marriage - on several levels.  You will be ignored, you will be treated as an accessory, you will NOT be treated as a person who matters.  Also, once the reality of what you're living with hits you, you'll want to go to counseling.  Most likely, the Aspie spouse will go, but it's only so the counselor will give them backup for just how "crazy" you are (see Gas lighting).  You will be the only person working on the marriage at all times.  The Aspie might put in the token effort, but when it gets too hard, they turn their back on you.

31.  Asperger's and Marriage - Or, "What the hell am I dealing with?" - If you've read other posts on this blog, you'll know I was married to an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath/Bipolar for 21 years.  For a long, long time, I had no idea what I was dealing with in the marriage, I just knew "something" wasn't right.  I was also told for 21 years, the only problems the marriage had were mine to solve, that it was entirely my fault and that "Il Douche" (yes, I know it should be "Il Duce"...) was perfect in every way, shape or form, and this is what he told anyone who would listen.  If you remember only one thing I say in all these postings, remember this one - You're not crazy!

32.  Marriage to an Aspie - You'll always be wrong - Did you go into your marriage or relationship with an Aspie with solid self-esteeem and a good ego?  Don't expect to hang on to that for very long.  This is the first thing Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths attack when the moment they marry you.  Most Aspies suffer from low self-esteem, which is what's behind ALL their behavior towards you.  Rather than seek help to develop better self-esteem, they drag you down to their level.  Part of this is always disagreeing with you, no matter what you say or what opinion you hold (and your opinions will ALWAYS be wrong).

This seems to be about all I can come up with for now.  As other items occur to me, I'll add them here.  And as I said previously, I'm going to try to create a post about all of these, linking back if I can remember to do so.  If I don't do it right away, I'm sure I'll remember w/n a day or two or three.