|Image: Flickr.com- Pink Sherbet Photos|
A child is not an adult, a child didn't ask to be here. Any man that doesn't take care of his responsibilities to his family and to his children, do me a favor STOP calling yourself a man..at least have the decency to admit that you're a boy. You don't know what manhood is. ~ Stephen A Smith
Aspies need to be liked SO much, they throw you under the bus to do it. And they don't care about the damage it leaves in its wake. All they care about is that they're liked. Period.
|Image: Flickr.com - Chris.Violette|
Now, back to the kids...
No, Aspies don't like having kids around. They're loud, they're messy, they take your time and thoughts away from HIM, they are needy little buggers and Aspies aren't good at being needed. They are the only ones allowed to "need" and when they ARE needed, they tend to cut and run, leaving you in their wake wondering what in the hell just happened. Like I said earlier, they don't like the competition.
When I married my STBE, the first two years or so were great. We laughed, we enjoyed each other, we watched the same shows, we took dancing lessons, he helped me cook dinner, he shared equally in the household chores and did so gladly. But then... Then, our youngest son came along. He just seemed SO uncomfortable around him. Also, he'd started drinking more heavily. He was always a drinker during our brief courtship, we were going to bars and having friends over, generally with a heavy dose of drinking going on.
|Image: flickr.com - by Tobyotter|
Seems the baby being born sent him over the edge he'd been teetering on for months, I just didn't see it. I'd only been back to work about a month after my son's birth and should have seen it when we were interviewing babysitters for him. At the time, Mark was working rotating shifts (which probably contributed to his getting worse - he lost his rigid schedule) and he was two weeks on days, two weeks on swings, then two weeks on mids. Remember, I worked straight days, 6:30 AM to 2:30 AM. After arranging a schedule with the sitter, we were walking to the car and he turned to me and said, "Who's going to watch the baby while I sleep?" I responded with, "I guess the same person who's going to watch him while I sleep". End of discussion.
It went downhill from there.
No, Aspies don't like having kids around. Just a few months before I had him removed from the house and filed for divorce, he told me he never wanted any kids. Not his kids from his first marriage. Not the son we had together. None. When asked why he went ahead and did it, he said he only did it to make me and his first wife happy. See? No responsibility! He was just being a great guy! He also says, "I guess I love them, but I never wanted them." Wow... And after his first divorce, when I got cancer and my dad died, I turned it all over to him. The paying of the child support (as in, mail the check), the gifts, cards and phone calls... All handed back to him. My plate was full. It was at that point he stopped paying his child support and his reasoning was, "The bitch only spends it on herself anyway." Not long after that, he stopped trying to call them or acknowledge any important days in their lives. He didn't see his oldest son for four years, his daughter for six years. When they turned 18, the first thing they did was call me about coming to visit. Not him. Me. He's managed to convince them it was their mother's fault but the truth of the matter is, they didn't see him because he put them out of his mind. Like most Aspies, any relationship they have is quickly forgotten with, "Out of sight, out of mind". Like most Aspies, he blamed it on someone else so he's completely w/o fault.
Once the kids become adults, things improve dramatically, but still on a scale that's shallow and more like that of an acquaintance or a "Hey guy". My STBE has never had any kind of conversation of substance with any of his kids, even when his grandson was murdered at the age of two in Aurora, CO, after his daughter moved a guy in she barely knew who had a history of alcohol, drug and domestic violence crimes on his record. They weren't even living together three weeks when he beat Caden to death one night. Is it any surprise his daughter chose so poorly in her romantic life? Also, given her own father is physically abusive, not just to me but his first wife (having picked her up and throwing her into a swimming pool. She was pregnant with his oldest son - he told me later he was trying to get her to have a miscarriage. This guy is pathological - but more on that later) it's also not surprising she chose a man to live with who was just like her father. When his oldest son was in the invasion into Baghdad attached to the 3rd Infantry Division as part of C Co., 2/325 out of Fort Bragg, when he had the chance to call someone, he called me. His first call home, all 15 seconds of it on a satellite phone his unit pooled their funds for so they could buy it from some guy on the street, he called me. From the middle of a war zone, with bullets flying. When he had a problem with his girlfriend while he was over there, he called me, several times since we kept getting cut off, to talk about his heartache and anger. Not his dad. Me. When my STBE stepdaughter was considering having sex for the first time with her boyfriend, she called me to talk about it. Not her mom. Not her dad. Me.
Even they knew which side of the bread their butter was on. Even they understood I was the one to talk to when the rubber hit the road. But, like their Aspie dad, I've not heard from either of them after 21 years of being their stepmother and the one they could count on in all situations. Out of sight. Out of mind. Done.
No, Aspies don't want kids. So don't have them with them. You'll live to regret it.