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Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Marriage to an Aspie - Aspies WILL lie to you

Everything you read online about Asperger's is they're the single most honest people you'll ever meet - bar none.  In fact, they tell themselves and everyone else, it's their honest that gets them into the most trouble - yes, dear, those jeans DO make your butt look fat!


Every single Aspie spouse I've talked to (again, dozens, if not hundreds) has shared their Aspie husbands are the biggest liars, and not just about big things.  One of the comments I'd made so many times to people about my STBE was - he'd lie even if the truth wouldn't hurt him.  And I've heard the same from other Aspie wives.  Things like - Who turned down the thermostat to 45 degrees?  Let's say it's just you and the Aspie living in the house.  Your Aspie will look at you and say, "It wasn't me.  It must have been you."

Now, you KNOW you didn't do it.  Surely you'd have remembered that, right?  It HAD to have been the Aspie.  And, really, let's just say it; it's really not THAT big a deal.  You were really just wondering, that's all.  It doesn't matter to the Aspie.  They imagine all sorts of scenarios and every single one of them ends with you being a massive bitch.  Because of this, they'll say nothing and make it your fault for not knowing just "why" they're upset with you, thus refuse to simply say, "Oh, yeah, it was me sweetheart!  I brought home a side of beef and wanted the house to be cold enough to preserve it while I cut it up for storage."

Oh, okay.  I get it now.  Moving on...

Aspies are also pretty creative when it comes to their lies, too.  As an example, let me use my own STBE and an event from our lives several years ago:

My STBE has had four separate affairs (and every single one of them believed him when he told them they were the only time he'd ever done that - HA!  Stupid fat cow bitches.  That graphic designer who was screwing him while my dad was dying?  He was seeing two other people while he had her believing "she" was the only one - honey, here's a tip...  If he's cheating on his wife, he'll cheat on you.  Seriously, get some common sense, pride and dignity) Anyway...  With that graphic designer, Fat Cow Slut Pam, I'd been telling him for a year I knew he was cheating on me with someone at work.  For months, here's how the conversation went, every time.

Me: STBE, I'm looking at your pay statement here and I'm not seeing anything about the overtime you told me you'd worked a couple days ago.

STBE Aspie: Oh, yeah, it'll be on my next check.

Me (two weeks later): I thought you told me that overtime you worked a couple weeks ago would be on this check?

STBE Aspie: No, I didn't.  And I didn't work any overtime.

Me: Yes, you did, it was on (insert date here).  STBE, I know you worked overtime!  You didn't get home on... until nearly 8 o'clock that evening.  Are you cheating on me with someone at work?

STBE Aspie: No, baby (he called us all baby - makes it easier to not yell out the wrong name while in the throes of screwing any slut with a vagina) I'm not cheating on you with anyone at work.  I SWEAR!  On a BIBLE!

Fast forward to about six months later when I started getting calls from a couple of angry husbands (he liked cheating with people who were ALSO cheating.  It added to the thrill, I suppose) I confront him with it and say, "How in the WORLD were you able to look me in the eye and lie to me about cheating on me with someone at work?"

His response?  "That's not what you asked me.  I never cheated with her at work.  We always went somewhere else."

Oh, okay, sorry for the misunderstanding.

Every Aspie Spouse I've interacted with tells me their Aspies cheated on them, too. Either with a regular person or with prostitutes.  Every. Single. One.  Didn't even matter if they were male or female. They ALL cheated.  More than once.

Every one of these affairs - he was caught with the goods.  An email, a text message, phone calls, instant messaging transcripts, you name it, he was caught every single time. Each and every time he was confronted with the evidence of this cheating, he'd get this sly smile and deny to my face, even with printouts of emails, screenshots of text messages, that I was taking "Can we meet at such-and-such hotel?" out of context and it wasn't what I thought it was.  That CLEARLY I was the person in the wrong, accusing him of something he wasn't doing and, by God, I needed to apologize to him!  He would always say this with just the right amount of righteous indignation, so that I understood he meant business!

Then there are the lies of omission.  My STBE Aspie would tell people the most horrible things about me, such as, "She's always going through my computer, tablet and cell phone looking for something".  But he wouldn't tell them he cheated like a card counter in Vegas, necessitating my snooping so much.  He would tell people I threw a glass at him, leaving out the part where I was walking to the door to see what one of the dogs was barking at with a glass in my hand, that the dog jumped up on me, knocking it out of my hand and sending it sailing about three feet, where it crashed on the floor and his foot.  He would tell people how I tried to hit him with the car, leaving out the part where I was backing out of the driveway with just my car keys, so I could get to a safe place to get away from one of his beatings and he threw himself on the hood to stop me from leaving.  He would tell people I refused to buy him cereal, conveniently leaving out the part where I'd just bought four boxes of cereal a week earlier and he ate them all in the first five days they were in the house.

Yes, Aspies are liars, through and through.

But wait, there's more!

Which brings me to gas-lighting, an aspect of this whole lying thing.  I won't go too much into it since there's a great deal about it available online (and I'll include some links), but I will say, it's the part of his lying that brought me to the brink of suicide.  It had me telling our marriage counselor, "I really think I need to be admitted to the hospital for delusions." 

And I was serious.

The term "gas lighting" is a fairly new psychological term, borrowed from the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie "Gaslight".  In this movie, a young woman moves into her deceased aunt's home following her marriage.  She's young and in love but her husband has married her for the sole purpose of taking from her the estate she'd inherited from her aunt years earlier, including the house.  To do this, he works a plan to drive her to insanity through manipulation.  He would turn down the gas lights in the house, then when she asked about them being turned down, would tell her she'd done it and didn't remember.  He would move furniture and when she inquired, again, as to it being moved, would tell her she'd done it.  She'd protest at not remembering it, he would then work to convince her she had.  The movie goes on like this until a family friend...  Well, I won't tell you the ending.  Find it on Netflix or Amazon and watch this frightening psychological thriller. 

Gas lighting is one of the more damaging aspects of being with an Aspie.  The reason this ties into the lying is this:  Your Aspie will say or do something that's hurtful and/or abusive.  When you call them on it, as in bring up to them this being a problem in the relationship, they'll deny ever saying or doing whatever "it" was.  You will, of course, tell them you distinctly remember them saying or doing this, to which they'll work to convince you otherwise.  They'll even go so far as to tell you, "You're delusional." or "You're just too sensitive" or (following their being just a little too rough with their horseplay, which they do quite a bit) "I was only kidding.  What's wrong with you?" Aspies need to alter your reality to fit theirs so they can go on abusing you.  This is a defense mechanism of theirs in order to protect their confusing and disjointed world.  And they need you to believe everything they say, even if it means going insane yourself.

When an Aspie is gas lighting you, it's not about them being right or wrong, it's about you agreeing with them, even if it's a lie.  They do this to aid in their showing the rest of the world you're the crazy one and they're perfectly normal.

There is a book I read, once an acquaintance told me what this was - what to call it - that opened my eyes so completely I read it in one day.  I simply couldn't put it down.  This book, written by Dr. Robin Stern, is one of the BEST books you'll ever read if you're in an abusive relationship, "The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life".  Seriously, read it.  It will open your eyes like they've never been opened before.  Finally, Gas Lighters are predators, pure and simple.  They need you to be confused and off-balance.  They WANT you to be this way so they can go on abusing you.  This is part of the process of separating you from your loved ones - the very people who are in the best position to help you the most - so you're basically trapped with them, to go on being abused.

Are you being Gaslighted?
(Excerpted from Power in Relationships: Are you being Gas Lighted? -

How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs: 
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy... when talking to your gaslighter.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists. 
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.

This post has actually gone on longer than it probably should have, but the lies and gas lighting will do you in fast than anything else will.  Trust me on this one. If you even see a little bit of yourself in any of this, get out.  Get out of the relationship just as fast as you can extricate yourself safely.