Aspies are indecisive

“If you want to kill any idea in the world, get a committee working on it.”  ~ Charles F. Kettering

This is a big one, at least it was in my marriage to my STBE.

He was SO terrified of making the wrong decision, he couldn't make a decision at all.

A few years ago, I wanted to paint one of the walls in the kitchen.  Being a good wife, I asked for his input.  I mean, it was his wall, too.  Four months and many color swatches painted on the wall later, he STILL wouldn't help me make a choice, always telling me, "I don't like any of them".

I would ask him, "What color do you think you'd like to see on the wall?"  He would respond with, "I don't know".  Oh, I see.  So you don't know the right answer, you just know the wrong answer.  (And this is another thing with Aspies...  Maybe I'll do a posting on that one.)

What it finally took for me to get a color chosen was to sit down with him, four painted swatches on the wall in front of us, and say, "Okay, which ones do you definitely dislike?"  He told me, "All of them."  Me:  "Okay, then, let's try this route. Which one do you dislike the least?"  Him:  "I guess one of the green ones."  (Note: They were all some shade of green - see how painful this gets?)  Me:  "They're all some shade of green.  Can you help me a bit?  Dark green?  Light green?  In between green?  Does one of them appeal to you more in your hatred of them than the others?"

He finally settled on a lighter lime green as the "least offensive" and I painted the wall.  But remember, it took me FOUR MONTHS to get to this point.

I have 21 years of this crap.  His telling me he couldn't make up his mind about "something" of some importance to the household, either big or small.

The worst was when I'd try to discuss financial matters with him, such as starting a retirement plan.  I'd do all sorts of research into it, I'd download documents, I'd print out articles, I'd order a prospectus from the ones I favored, I'd put everything in some sort of understandable order for him and after a couple weeks of this, I steeled myself for the conversation.  See, the STBE doesn't really have a head for figures and numbers outside of a math book.  Finances beyond the basic checking account register eludes him and he starts to become "confused" (his word - not mine).

After all this research, I'd explain it all to him and ask him to help me come to a decision, generally taking more than an hour or two, ending the "presentation" with, "This is what I believe we should do".  After all of this, his response would be, 100% of the time, "I need to talk to so-and-so at work about it".

I could never get him to understand everyone's finances are different.  Everyone makes financial choices differently and based on their personal financial standing.  However, if I wanted an answer from him, I had no choice to acquiesce to his demands I allow him to discuss it with one or more people, usually the "more".  Nine times out of ten, the people he'd talk to about it at work would agree with what I felt was the best course, and when that happened, he'd come back to me with, "So-and-so thinks we should do "this" one."

I'd receive no credit whatsoever in that being MY choice, too.  In spite of the fact I was proven right by SO many of the people he talked to, he never trusted my thoughts or opinions on anything at all.  Not ONCE was I told I was agreed with, nor would he give my thoughts or opinions on financial matters any sort of credence at all (and I have a background in accounting and finance).  Nope, our entire life together was him treating me as if I hadn't a brain in my head.  He also made EVERY SINGLE major family decision by talking to others about it and leaving me out of the discussion entirely.

I began to call what he did "Decision by committee".  He couldn't make a decision on his own.  He refused to trust my decisions.  But he'd trust our major life decisions to near strangers who know no more about our life than a complete stranger walking along the street.  While Asperger's isn't actually considered to be a "mental disorder" (though it was listed in the DSM up until this latest update in the DSM-V where it was grouped under general autism. It IS considered to be a personality disorder and there's a link that discusses the decision-making problems people with certain personality disorders experience.

The mental health community would have us all believe there IS hope (and there's a paragraph towards the bottom of the page I linked to in the prior paragraph) when the person with the personality disorder goes through therapy.  However, what they DON'T address is just how you're supposed to GET that person into therapy?  People with these personality disorders won't even recognize they have a disorder, much less go to therapy for it.  Aspies in particular will take the stance, "There's nothing at all wrong with ME.  You just need to go to therapy to work on your coping skills" and they demand unconditional love for them, in spite of the fact they don't give you any love at all, much less unconditional love.

To close this out, since it's gone on long enough and being an NT, you're intelligent enough to understand the gist of what I'm saying, see the similarities to your own life and apply it to your life, Aspies have one frustrating quality after another and this is one of the more frustrating ones, to be sure.  Aspies have hundreds or thousands of ways to show you, daily, how unimportant you are to them and this is one of them.

Aspies need to be liked by everyone

Aspies are chameleons, taking on the
personality and persona of the person
they're with or want to attract.
(Image: flickr.com CC)

“Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I'm starting to feel more and more I should be using the term "Narcissist" in all of this.  Aspies and Narcissists are extremely similar and Narcissism is one of the main qualities of being an Aspie.

As much as Aspies and the mental health community would have us believe Aspies are warm, fuzzy kittens all the time, they're not.

Aspies need to be liked SO much, they'll run you down in the process.  They simply don't understand people really CAN like more than one person.

Over the years, the STBE would run into people at work who just didn't like him.  There was really no reason for it, they just didn't like him.  We all have people like that in our lives and it's nothing wrong with you OR them.  Some people just don't like you for whatever reason.  I've never been someone bothered by this but the STBE?  Oh, man, this would make him absolutely CRAZY!  He would try to talk to the person to show them what a wonderful person he is.  If they didn't go for it then, he'd start inviting them to lunch, or for a coffee, or whatever, but if someone doesn't like you, nothing you do will change their mind.

I used to tell the STBE, "Oh my gosh, just let it go!  Not everyone has to like you and there really are people out there in the world who will never like you.  It's nothing to do with you and it's really not personal.  There's just something about you they don't like and it could be something personal to them.  That happens in life, some times."

But he could never let it go.  It would actually keep him up at night.  It was maddening to not just him but me, too, because I was the one who was always required to listen to him talk about it endlessly and it wouldn't end until the person either told him, "Okay, FINE, I like you!" or they left the company or moved to another location.

Now that you're in a committed relationship with the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, you become the target for all their hatred and rage.

Now, the average husband will say nice things about his wife.  She's a good cook.  She takes good care of the kids.  She's has a great memory for detail.  She always gets really great gifts for people at Christmas.  She makes a big deal out of everyone's birthdays.

All of these are things my STBE has said to me at one time or another, in his nicer moments (far and few between), so I know he believes them to be true.  But he's always hated me for these things because he wasn't able to incorporate them into his life.  Aspies choose mates who have the character and personality traits they wish they had.  But these very traits become a reason to hate you down the road.

The Aspie husband, though, is bothered by these parts of my personality/character.  Using the above examples, this is how an Aspie husband handles these items:

My wife is a good cook:  For an Aspie, he's more likely to tell people something along the lines of, "My wife makes SUCH fattening foods, I swear she's trying to kill me".  And always with just the right amount of derision (and based on them making this statement, they might actually come to believe you ARE trying to kill them - Aspies are incredibly paranoid).  Now the kids, both his and ours, would tell anyone who would listen I was a good cook.  At least they used to.  Now they say nothing because that's what Dad trained them to do.  This is called "Abuse by Proxy" or "Proxy Recruitment", because they actually teach the kids to become abusive towards you.

My wife takes good care of the children:  For the Aspie, kids take away attention from THEM, so this is a major, major resentment on their part.  Aspies are more likely to start making it look to the kids as though you pay TOO much attention to them. He might start calling you a "helicopter mom" or working to convince them you're invasive in their lives.  After a long enough time, they start to resent your presence in their lives as anything more than a source for money, clothes or whatever...

My wife has a great memory for detail:  This is another source of angst for the Aspie because they can't remember ANYTHING that has to do with anyone but them.  Tell them one of the kids has a special event and they'll forget, forcing you to remind them over and over.  They resent you for this and can be heard saying, "I swear my wife doesn't forget ANYTHING.  It drives me nuts how she's always bringing something up that happened days/weeks/months/years ago."  Aspies tend to forget they have a running list in their heads of everything "horrible" thing you've ever done to them, real or imagined, and they aren't afraid to whip it out in any and all arguments.

My wife always gets great gifts for people at Christmas:  My STBE was one of those people who would save his Christmas shopping for the very last minute.  He gave no thought to it the other 364 days a year, outside of giving people a list of what HE wanted, so he was never very good at gift buying.  I remember one year I got a shower head for Christmas while he got a really nice sweater, something I knew he needed.  The STBE asked me once, "How is it you always get exactly the right gift for all of us every year?"  I told him, "I pay attention to them when they talk."  He never understood this - this whole paying attention to people.

She makes a big deal out of birthdays:  I've always made a huge deal out of birthdays. I feel we live in a cold world, sometimes, and that everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday.  It's their day and I do everything I can to make it thus.  The birthday person gets to choose dinner that night, whether it's dining out or eating in, makes no difference.  They choose their birthday cake, and Elias would always choose that I make his.  I would sit down with him and have him choose the cake he wanted.  Too difficult?  I didn't care.  I made it because it's what he wanted for his birthday.  Aspies tend to not remember birthdays that aren't theirs.  If I had a nickel for every time I had to remind the STBE it was someone's birthday and he needed to call them, I'd be able to buy an island.  My last birthday before I filed for divorce was forgotten by every single person in the family.  And no one could understand why my feelings were so hurt.  Even my STBE stepdaughter went so far as to say, "But it's okay that we forgot her birthday.  We're Dickinson's, after all."  In their mind, being a Dickinson is synonymous with being thoughtless, and they're okay with that.

Now, all this being said...  Aspies need others to dislike you so they can feel better about themselves.  See?  So-and-so doesn't like you at all but they like ME so I must be a better person.  They use this to chip away at your self-esteem (and Narcissists do this, too) and make you feel badly about yourself.  It's a really subtle thing and usually an off-hand remark made after a company dinner or picnic, after a get-together either at your house or someone else's.  Yeah, Aspies need people to hate you, or at least have you think they hate you.

Why do they do this?  Because Aspies have incredibly low self-esteem.  They know they're different, and instead of embracing being different and "quirky", they try to make those around them look bad so they can look good by comparison.

Also, Aspies tend to hide who they are when starting a relationship.  They will take on the personality of the person they're with at the time and become extremely agreeable people.  You'll think you've found the perfect mate when the truth of the matter is, they're extremely chameleon-like, taking on the likes and dislikes of the person they're courting (this is also called love-bombing).  They will inundate you with flattery, gifts, be agreeable to whatever you suggest and will be SO likable AND lovable!  They will be the PERFECT boyfriend.  (And as a side note: my STBE told me not long before I filed for divorce, "I knew I had these problems before we got married, but I never told you because I was afraid you'd leave me" - How nice for him.  He got what he wanted, but he made me and several children miserable in the process, abusing us all.  But wasn't that fun for him?)

They NEED you to like them to prove to themselves they ARE likable, conveniently forgetting it's them changing into what the other person might need or want, rather than being who they are.  When dating, you ask:

You: Do you feel like a movie tonight?
Him: Sure, that sounds good.
You: What would you like to see?
Him: You pick one.  I want to see whatever you want to see.  OR I don't care, so long as I'm with you.

So you pick something.  What they never tell you afterward is, they never wanted to see that movie and they hated every minute of it.  And so the resentment towards you starts.  Only they'll never TELL you they resent you for this, at least not for a long time.  They're still in the "love bombing" stage, winning you over.

But once you're in a committed relationship with them, it all stops.  They've won you over so there's no need to continue with being "the chameleon".

I can remember the first thing my STBE said to me the moment we were married (literally - the moment we were married).  He turned to me, held my hands in his, looked at me with a tremendous amount of excitement in his eyes and said, "I'm SO glad I married you!" (and right about then in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, what a wonderful thing to say!") but then he followed it up with, "I now have a hot wife!"

Talk about popping your balloon, right?

Nope, once they have you, they have you, and they're not letting go easily.  And so begins life with an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath.

The process of love bombing me, getting me to like him, is now over.

Good luck with the rest of your life with them because it's all downhill from here.

Aspies are NEVER at fault - no matter what

“When you think everything is someone else’s fault, chances are that you’re looking at the wrong side of the looking glass.” 
― Jennifer Megan Varnadore

Aspies will always find someone else to blame, even if they
were the only one there when they dropped the egg.

I don't even know where to start with this one.  After 21 years of everything being my fault, it's difficult to separate in my mind what WAS my fault and what was HIS fault.

In any marriage, it takes two to tango.  In any marriage, sometimes you're at fault, sometimes they're at fault.  But in an Aspie marriage, it's ALL your fault.

Aspies deflect blame like it's required to breathe.  Did your Aspie zip his penis up in the zipper of his pants?  It's all your fault for buying him the pants that have an OBVIOUSLY faulty zipper.

Did your Aspie run someone off the road because they didn't look over their shoulder when they changed lanes?  It's all your fault for being in the car with him, playing the radio.  As a side note to this one: My STBE did run someone off the road, once, because he changed lanes and didn't look over his shoulder.  When I asked him later why he didn't look over his shoulder, he told me, "If I looked over my shoulder every time I changed lanes, I'd never be looking at the road!"  Shame on that other driver for not reading his mind, thus knowing he would want to change lanes, so the STBE could do so without encumbrance, huh?

When he said this, I responded with, "Maybe you're changing lanes too much, then?"  He stared at me for a few seconds.  I could see his eyes nearly spinning in his head.  He actually shook his head for a brief second, as if to try to make sense of what I'd just said, and then he paused, looked at me hard, and reared up and slapped me across the face so hard I saw stars for a few minutes.  He walked away after that.  I guess he spent all his rage in that one slap.  The next day, he saw my black eye and the bruise on the side of my face and asked me what happened.  I was stunned!  To this day, I can't explain this one so if you have an answer for it, let me know.

But I digress...

Nope.  Aspies are never responsible for anything that happens in their world that might be a little askew or wrong.  They'll always find someone else to blame.

This started becoming more apparent to me after our youngest left for the Air Force.  It took me a few months to figure it out but I did figure it out.  And I felt terrible!  Once I reconciled in my head what was happening, I sent the following message to my son.  At the time, we were still close enough to discuss this and I got the feeling he appreciated my sending this, even if it was months and years too late.

I'm sending you a message this way because I know you don't have Internet, thus, no real way of checking e-mail.  But I also don't know which e-mail you check regularly...

I'm in a group on FB of spouses of those with Asperger's.  I wrote this today and wanted to share it with you.  This says it better than anything else I've ever said...

Sounds like my life, Lisa. I've often told people, "My husband would lie to me even if the truth wouldn't hurt him".

They're like children, in that respect. I'm so tired of the arguing about who did what. For a long time, my ASH blamed our youngest, who was, for 10 years, an only child, due to the disparity in ages between him and our next one. My husband would constantly blame our youngest for everything going wrong in the house. It wasn't until our son was gone to basic training that I learned just how much my ASH was doing, after years of yelling at my son. I can't even count all the times I told him, "And now I'm punishing you twice as much for lying...!"

I called my son not long ago to apologize to him for it all, realizing now it's been my ASH, all along. But the damage was done. He's a great kid but he's been hurt a great deal by it all, not trusting his father or I for a very long time. I beat my head against the wall for years, trying to figure out just what I was doing that was so awful he felt he couldn't trust me. And now I know; I let him down in a most appreciable way.

It makes me sad to think of how many times my son walked away, deflated and hurt, simply because his dad used him as a shield from his own wrongdoings and lies and I didn't know any better. I wonder how many times he cried to himself before he just gave up and built the wall we now have between us.

I wonder, sometimes, if I'll ever be able to make it up to him and I doubt I ever will.

And such is life with an Aspie Narcissist.  They will deflect blame onto the rest of the world with no remorse or contrition as to who they damage, even if it's their kids.  They will blame anyone and everyone but themselves, and WILL leave a great deal of damage in their wake.

I tried to find to post on this page a meme I saw once or twice that said - Narcissism: The only mental illness where the sufferer is left alone and everyone else gets therapy.  Or something like that.  What does this have to do with an Aspie always blaming others?

Q: How many Aspies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only the one.  One to hold the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around them.

Aspies are so married to the idea it's they who are perfect and it's the rest of the world at fault, they simply can't let it go, even when/if presented with evidence to the contrary.  They will lie, cheat and steal their way through life for the sole purpose of never having themselves to blame.  When confronted with the fallacy of their argument, that it is they who were wrong or responsible, so begins the gas lighting.  Lies, lies and more lies to cover up the lies they've told before.  And the thing is, Aspies come to believe their lies so, to them, it's the truth.

A study was done (and I'm searching for the link - they seem to be eluding me today) where brain scans were done of both sociopaths and those with Asperger's and there were a lot of similarities.  Also, there's a huge similarity to Psychopathy, too.  The biggest similarity to all three of these is the lack of empathy.

Empathy is what we all feel when we see those ten hour long commercials of the starving children in Africa or the twenty hour long commercials for the ASPCA.  We're sad.  We imagine how difficult it must be for those poor children.  The more tender-hearted of us might cry at the thought of so much suffering.

For an Aspie (or a Sociopath, or a Psychopath), they feel nothing.  Nothing at all.  They don't have the ability to step into the shoes of another person and imagine how their actions can affect others.  They don't stop to think how blaming someone over and over again will chip away at their self-esteem over time.  They also don't stop to think how blaming someone else for their problems and bad times might begin to make someone question their own sanity!  But I'm SURE I didn't leave the milk out!  I'm POSITIVE I put the ice cream away when I was done.  I KNOW I didn't turn up the thermostat.

However, with the Aspie, they don't care that what they're doing is causing you anxiety.  They couldn't give a rat's ass their denying turning down the thermostat has you questioning if you're developing a second personality, one that hates to be cold, or that you're beginning to believe you're suffering from delusions (and I heard this one A LOT from the STBE - You're CRAZY and delusional!

For the Aspie, it's all about being "perfect".  And the sooner you remember that, the better off you'll be.

Parental Alienation Syndrome and the child(ren) involved - Even adult children

Emotional vampires will leave you exhausted following an
interaction with them.  Sadly, by the time you realize you're
in the presence of an emotional vampire, it's too late.

Today's posting is for something funny and SO indicative of an Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer.  In addition, I'm going to be explaining in detail just what the Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer will do to hurt you in the divorce.

If you've been following this blog at all, you already know my story: I'm divorcing an Aspie/Narcissist/diagnosed Bipolar Disorder sufferer.  Any one of these is pretty damaging to the emotional/mental well-being of any spouse to them.  I got the trifecta of abusive personality disorders when I married my STBE.  And more than once, it's driven me to the point of thinking the only way out of this marriage was through suicide.  Thank God, those thoughts are behind me, now, and I embrace the wonder of life and look forward to having one without the abusive Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer in it.

The back story:

I've been working to maintain no contact with my STBE because he's so abusive in nature.  He managed to trick me into contact recently, and I'm now back to no contact after the hurricane/tsunami/tornado/earthquake that came with him and am improving again.  However, I've been getting messages from people over the last week from people who know my youngest son and they're worried about him a great deal.

As I've mentioned previously, when you're divorcing an Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer, they'll use the kids to hurt you - and not just a little bit.  For the above personality disorders, in any divorce, it's a "Win at all costs" attitude.  Since these people have absolutely no empathy, using the kids is just another gun in their arsenal, even if it's so bad for them it means decades of therapy, if not a few suicide attempts, for the kids.  They simply don't care.  It's not about what's best for everyone, it's about what's best for THEM.  Aspies/Narcissists/Bipolar Disorder sufferers are emotional vampires.  They will suck the life out of you faster than a speeding bullet and once they've depleted your supply, they'll move onto the next person, and the next, and the next.  So long as there are gullible people in the world who are willing to fall for the charms of the emotional vampire, so shall the narcissist abuse.

Because my son has me blocked on Facebook, I have an account neither he nor my STBE know about and I logged into it to see just what it was my son was saying that had everyone so alarmed.  On the page, I saw my son talking about how depressed he is.  The STBE responded to him with (and it pains me to have to look at the posting again to put this here, but it illustrates the Aspie mind so well):

As I well know, depression is no joke.  People who don't own the black dog can't really understand, although some will genuinely try to help.  Since they usually don't get it they often miss the mark.  Don't discount well-meaning friends.  They won't understand when it seems like you're blowing them off.  Allow people to drag you off to the gym or to get some Chinese food.  Those things will actually help and you find out who your friends are.  Acceptance is great, just don't stop there.Take action.  You know what to do.  Call me anytime you need to.  I'm there for you 24/7.

For the longest time, I couldn't figure out just how my STBE was alienating my son from me (See Parental Alienation Syndrome), and after seeing this post, it all became clear to me.  In order to help you see just how Aspies work (and this is a form of gas lighting, altering the reality of the victim, in this case, my son), I'll break this paragraph of my STBE line-by-line to help you understand it better.

First, let me state, my son has suffered from some form of depression for quite some time.  I took him to two different counselors, who seemed to be helping him.  It was during his stint with one of these counselors it came out that my STBE was using that half-hour in the morning and half-hour in the afternoon, the times he drove our son to and from school, to do nothing but rant about what an awful person I am.  My son was an emotional wreck and told his therapist he was beginning to feel as though he was the only one who could fix our marriage.  In short, my son was being used by the STBE by forcing him to become his therapist.  My son was only 15 at the time.  Rather than actually SEE a therapist, the STBE was forcing others into the role.  He'd done this to me for years and I'd put a stop to it by telling him I couldn't do it any longer and he needed to find an actual therapist.  He refused to do so, saying he didn't need one, and turned it onto my son.

Now, let's break down the Facebook posting- and some of this will make me look paranoid to the nth degree, but after 21 years of living with my STBE, I've seen this all to much.  A great deal of their mental/emotional abuse is subtle):

1. As I well know, depression is no joke.  People who don't own the black dog can't really understand, although some will genuinely try to help.  - "I'm the only one who understands you.  Others might try.  Others might say they do.  But I'm the only one who truly does."  This is his way of letting my son know it's "I" who doesn't get it since I don't suffer from depression.  Never have, probably never will, outside of this marriage.  I was a happy, optimistic person before I married the STBE and I shall be again, post-divorce.
2. Since they usually don't get it they often miss the mark.  Don't discount well-meaning friends.  They won't understand when it seems like you're blowing them off. - This is an extension of #1.  Now my son's being told it's not just me who doesn't get it, but neither does anyone else, even well-meaning friends.  This is a reinforcement of the STBE being the only one who understands him, thus he is the superior parent and human being.  They are both now precious snowflakes and no one gets them BUT each other.
3. Allow people to drag you off to the gym or to get some Chinese food.  Those things will actually help and you find out who your friends are. - On the surface, this all sounds like good advice, right?  For a mentally healthy person going through a normal, average dose of depression, it is.  For a narcissist like my STBE, this is a calculated statement/move.  This is a form of alienation, a common tactic used by Narcissists/abusers.  Now the STBE has my son judging his friends based on the amount of support they give.  No one will be able to measure up to the standards a depressed person will actually have.  And, let's just say it, unless you DO suffer from depression or are a therapist, you'll never truly understand it, therefore will ALWAYS fall short of the mark.  And, people being people, the more my son blows them off, the less likely they become to ask him to go anywhere with him.  The less they come around, the more depressed he becomes.  The more depressed he becomes, the less likely they are to want to be around him at all, because who wants to spend all their time with a person who refuses to have fun or laugh nor do anything to change work towards changing it?  The idea being planted in the mind of my son is: his father is the ONLY person who truly gets him, thus creating a bond of trust that supersedes all other relationships in his life.  His father is now grooming him to be further abused, all in the interest of feeding the need of the STBE to have a narcissistic supply.
4. Acceptance is great, just don't stop there. Take action.  You know what to do. - They now have a secret language that only the two of them understand.  The words used here are cryptic and insinuate to the rest of the world they are conjoined and alone in this, therefore, there's no need to interfere because Dad's got it handled, right?  Wrong.  For a narcissist, there's no greater joy than taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person, as my son is due to the divorce.  This is rocking his world and nothing makes sense any more.  What the STBE is spoon-feeding him is something to latch onto so he can have just ONE thing that makes sense.  The parental alienation is almost complete and the real abuse is about to begin.  I watched this happen with his two kids from his first marriage and they STILL hate their mother, 22 years after the divorce, both of them adults aged 30 and over.
5. Call me anytime you need to.  I'm there for you 24/7. - This is the big one.  Note there's no mention in any of this to see a therapist or medical doctor.  There's no mention of seeking help in any way, shape or form, outside of "Call me!"  This is the reinforcement to my son that the STBE is the ONLY person he should contact, as he's the ONLY person who can help him.  And that 24/7?  Nope, he turns the ringer off on his phone at night.  The precious snowflake that is my STBE simply CAN'T have his sleep disturbed at all.  People who suffer from depression that lasts longer than what's ordinary or average, more than a few days or weeks, SHOULD see a medical doctor or therapist.  For someone to suggest anything else is thoughtless, uncaring, unsympathetic and, let's just say it, dangerous.  People who have been depressed for a long time are more prone to suicide than anyone else.  If you know ANYONE who could be clinically depressed, encourage them to seek professional help - ALWAYS!

Now that this has all been explained for you, this leads me to Parental Alienation Syndrome, which Aspies/Narcissists/Bipolar Disorder sufferers WILL do!  Like they need oxygen, they need the constant and firm adoration of those around them, even if it means they are psychologically damaging others.  Remember, they have no empathy.  The people in their life - their wife, their children, their "friends" - are all there to serve a purpose known only to the Narcissist.  Also, the people in their life are easily replaced once that narcissistic supply runs dry, generally by the parasitic host figuring out what's going on.

Parental Alienation is insidious.  How can you figure out it's happening to you?  Research, research, research.

These alienating strategies worked together to give the child the following three-part message: (this is excerpted from Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)

• The alienating parent is the only parent who cares,
• the alienating parent is needed in order for the child to feel safe and good about him- or herself,
• the targeted parent -- who is dangerous and does not love the child anyway -- must be disavowed in order to maintain the love and approval of the alienating parent. 
• Boldly stated this way, the message resembles the message cult leaders convey to cult members.

 Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is such a damaging emotional assault on a child (even adult children), it's described in this way:  Alienated children are no less damaged than other child victims of extreme conflict, such as child soldiers and other abducted children, who identify with their tormentors to avoid pain and maintain a relationship with them, however abusive that relationship may be. (For the complete article, see here)

The article goes on to say - For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is a dangerous and unworthy parent. The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented; low self esteem and self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, and substance abuse and other forms of addiction are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent. Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the alienated parent, are led to believe that the alienated parent did not love or want them, and experience severe guilt related to betraying the alienated parent. Their depression is rooted is feelings of being unloved by one of their parents, and from separation from that parent, while being denied the opportunity to mourn the loss of the parent, or to even talk about the parent. 

Okay, I think I've given you enough to chew on for now.  But in the beginning of this post, I'd mentioned something funny.  Here it is:

What is it that makes this so funny?  The Facebook account he's referring to?  The one I've apparently trashed with "pretty psycho" stuff?  It's been shut down since he left in November and I've never "done" anything to it at all.

Like abusers need to abuse, so shall narcissists tell huge lies about you in the interest of discrediting you to the rest of the world (meaning, the source of their narcissistic supply).  And if I WERE to post anything on his former account, it would have simply been the truth.  If the truth makes him look bad, then it's HE with the problem, not me.  Oh, and this "make new friends"?  He's trolling for his next parasitic host.  And don't believe for a moment he didn't try to go to the page to see what was on there (nothing, because the account was deactivated).  Aspies/Narcissists/Bipolar Disorder sufferers lie even when the truth won't hurt them.  It's like breathing to them.

I'm so glad I'm out of this farce of a marriage.  After finding copies of his medical records a couple weeks ago and learning he'd been taking medication "off and on" since 1993 for Bipolar Disorder (something he'd never told me), I can safely say, our entire marriage was based on his lies.

Marriage to an Aspie - Aspies are abusive

By the time you realize just how abused you've been, it's
become your new "normal".

 Once again, all the websites will say what a wonderfully honest person your Aspie is.  All the reading you do will tell you that with a little bit of understanding and an abundance of love, you and your Aspie can have a blissful co-existence.

This may be true, for some, but the reality is much, much different than anything you'll read elsewhere.  Life with an Aspie spouse is awful, abusive and soul-crushing (and this last one is the one spouses of Aspies will say the most).

The abuse will be incredibly subtle, at first, and you won't even see it.  For me, there were two incidents I can look back on now that set the stage for the following 20 years.

The first one was when I'd made a dinner salad for the STBE ASH and his kids from his first marriage.  I'd spent the entire afternoon making this salad as it wasn't exactly complicated, but it was time-consuming.  When the time came to serve it, I set the salad bowl down on the dinner table, called everyone in, asked them all, "What would you like to drink with dinner?"  Once they all told me, I went back into the kitchen to get them their drinks.  When I came back, all of two minutes later, my STBE ASH had served everyone.  Everyone but me, that is.  Yes, the salad bowl was empty, all their plates were full, mine was empty.  I didn't say anything, just set their drinks down, took mine back into the kitchen with me, made a sandwich and ate it in the living room while I watched television.  Then, it took my STBE about 15 minutes to realize I wasn't sitting at the table with them, noticed what happened and told the kids, "When you've eaten all you're going to eat of the salad, put it all together so Nancy can have some."

Wow, don't I feel special now!

I realize at this stage you're all thinking, "But it was just a salad!"  Yes, it was just a salad, but it was also an indicator of how the rest of my life was going to go.  I was never considered part of "his" family.  I was a servant to him and his kids and nothing more.  And thus went the next 20 years or so.

Another incident (and this happened more than once) came from Saturday mornings.  Every Saturday, his kids went to a bowling league they were in.  The routine became the STBE taking them to bowling while I cleaned the house.  They would be gone for about four hours, if you add in his taking them to lunch afterward.  During that four hours, I'd clean the entire two story row home we lived in on Lowry AFB.  I'd start at the top, tossing things down to the stair landing that belong downstairs, and vice versa when I was cleaning the downstairs.  I did the dishes, swept and mopped all the floors, cleaned the wood floors (every room but the kitchen and bathroom), did all the laundry, ironed his uniforms, got dinner planned and started, vacuumed all the furniture of dog hair.  If I had time, I would go grab some stuff at the grocery store.

From the first time I did this, the first comment the STBE would make when he walked in the door was, "You didn't clean the baseboards".  Forget I'd just cleaned a 1500 square foot home from top to bottom, all he could say was, "You didn't clean the baseboards".  There was no appreciation for what I'd done to make life easier for him and his kids, just a comment on what wasn't being done.

Both of these events happened in the first few months of our marriage.  I should have walked away then, but I was already pregnant with our youngest son and we'd been married less than two years.  I was able to convince myself he was suffering from the stress of a baby on the way.  And so the abuse begins.

Again in our first year of marriage, we were in the midst of an argument that was getting pretty heated.  I've always been one to try to keep a cool head in an argument, feeling a hot argument is pointless because both people are defensive.  One way of cooling down for me is to get in the car, turn up the stereo on full blast and just drive country roads.  It lets me focus on something besides the argument, it allows me to gain some clarity and it's a really soothing thing for me to do.  On this particular day, the STBE decided I was going to stay there and argue and he refused to allow me to leave the house.  If I tried to open the door, he slammed it shut and pushed me away from it.  If I went into the bedroom to separate myself from the argument, he followed me in there, continuing to berate me, demanding of me that I remain engaged in the argument.  No matter what I did to get away from the argument, he kept at me to stay with it.

Finally, I was feeling desperate and trapped.  I was feeling incredibly trapped and it was causing me huge confusion and distress.  (Remember, I was pregnant with my youngest son at this time)  My fight or flight was kicking in and I knew if that happened, things would really get out of hand.  I had no choice but to call the military police to help me out of this.  He heard me doing this and immediately went into "I'm the calm, rational one" mode (and this is something you'll see hundreds of times during your marriage).  By the time they got there, I was still crying and I was begging them to get me out of there.  He started in with, "She's pregnant and emotional."  They fell for it and so began the extreme abuse.  The name-calling, the hitting, the gas lighting, all of it.

The military police did tell him to let me leave the house that day, if that's what I wanted to do, which I did.  I was gone for several hours, having driven up into the Rocky Mountains to an A&W Root Beer stand in Idaho Springs, for no other reason than it wasn't home where the arguing was going on.  By the time I came home, he was an emotional wreck.  He was afraid I wasn't coming back (this is the push me-pull me prevalent with Aspies, those with Bipolar Disorder and those with Borderline Personality Disorder)  He was incredibly apologetic, promising me he would never do this again and he felt awful he'd treated me so badly!  This was the first of many, many apologies for bad and abusive behavior.

Most abusers are also narcissists
#11-sympathy can also be empathy

As time went on, the abuse got worse and worse.  I was in and out of therapy so much because of his abuses of me and the kids.  Why was I in therapy and not him?  Because part of the abuse is being convinced it's YOU who is the problem, not them.  And the times we went to marriage counseling, it generally didn't take the therapist more than three or four sessions to zero in on the STBE abusing me emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically and they'd try to focus on that.  That was the exact moment the STBE was done with marriage counseling.  At least until the next time.  The times we lasted the longest in marriage counseling were the times he was able to gas light the counselor the most.  We'd had a counselor through the Air Force when we were stationed in Biloxi and he had her COMPLETELY fooled.  He really liked this therapist because she ate up whatever he told her and she did everything she could to take his side.  Her extreme preference for the STBE was so obvious, I had to file a complaint against her with her commander.  No matter what he did, she took his side.  Once, I'd reported he'd hit me and her response was, "What did you do that made him want to do that?"

Which brings me to Abuse By Proxy - This is an insidious form of abuse because now it's not just your abuser but everyone around you.  This form of abuse generally begins once you start to wake up to what's going on, but with my STBE, he did this for the duration of our marriage.  Abuse by proxy is the abuser enlisting others to abuse you, too.  They won't believe you when you try to tell them you're being abused (AKA The Cassandra Syndrome)

He received no chastisement over hitting me.  There were no consequences for his hitting me.  I was the one raked over the coals by her for "making him do it".  He and this therapist even cooked up between them that I'd threatened the STBE with a shotgun - the same shotgun I had no keys to (for the trigger lock), no ammunition for and no understanding of since I really hated guns at that time and refused to handle them.  To this day I'm still not 100% it was all as innocent as they made it seem.  For a therapist to become SO loyal and slanted towards a patient, losing her objectivity like this one did, there was more there than I was allowed to see or know.  A few months later, this therapist left the military to go into private practice (so she could ruin more marriages and families on a larger scale) and she contacted my therapist at the time to have him ask me to recant my complaint against her as it was affecting her finding a job.  I refused to do so and actually resented her using her professional relationship with my therapist to cover up just how bad she was as a therapist.  I kind of resented, too, that he even came to me with the request.  He should have flat out told her "No, I won't do that".

I tell people now, though, if only he'd kept it to hitting, his abuses of me, I might heal from that more quickly.  It's the verbal, emotional and mental abuse that stays with you for so long and taints your entire life.  He'd run me down physically, telling me once, "You're so fat, it makes me nauseous to see you without clothes on" or the much more subtle skill of telling me just how wrong I am all the time, thus bringing me to believe I'm stupid or not able to trust my judgment.  It's a calculated thing they do so THEY can feel good about themselves.

I'll end this posting with some resources for people who read this - so you can get help to not just get away but to begin the process of healing.  You WILL need help getting your abuser out of your life.  All abusers are reluctant to let go of their current "person to abuse".  I've seen this phrase in several places in my Asperger's Spouse world - All parasites need a host to survive.

And fair warning - your abuser will replace you very, very quickly so be prepared for the heartache.  The truth is, your Aspie/abuser never really loved you not did they care about you at all as anything more than a whipping post and victim.  Aspies can't love anyone but themselves.  Once you leave your abuser, you'll hope they love you enough to want to change, thus keeping you in their life.  But the reality is, when it comes to abusers, the moment you've figured them out, they're done with you so they can move on to abuse the next unwitting victim.

Aspies/abusers NEED someone to abuse like you need oxygen to breathe.  So, yes, they will move on to another very quickly.  BUT - they will first try to bring you back to them.  It's easier to keep the old victim than it is to train a new one.  Stand your ground.  You've heard it all before, the promises to change, the promises to get help, the apologies, all of it.  Ask yourself how many times you've heard this before?  Too many times to count.

Don't fall for it.  Love and respect yourself more than that.

Places to go for help escaping your abuser:

• Find a therapist who specializes in trauma, PTSD 
• Contact a domestic violence hotline - The national hotline linked here isn't the most responsive one, but they have some good tips on getting out.  And domestic violence and abuse isn't just physical abuse.  Mental, emotional and verbal abuse are abuse, too.  Do a search for a hotline specific to your state.  Try Googling "Fill in state here Domestic Violence help" and odds are great there's a statewide hotline where you can talk to someone.  They can also give you resources local to you.  I've called my state's hotline and they've given me SO much support!  The people you'll be talking to are people who have been through it, too.
• Stop hiding in shame - be vocal about the abuse to friends and family.  These are your best resources for help in getting out.  Once you do, you'll be surprised at how much they've actually seen, in spite of your silence, and you'll learn they really DO want to help you in any way they can.

Excerpted from the National Domestic Violence Hotline page is some excellent advice for maintaining your control over your life once you've left the abusive relationship:

Why is moving on after abuse so difficult? Abuse is rooted in power and control, and an abusive partner holds that power by minimizing their victim’s self-esteem and breaking their spirit. If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, rebuilding your life can be a hard process, but with time and space, finding closure and peace is possible. A violence-free life is waiting, and you are so very worth it.

1.  Cut off contact with your ex - During the healing process, you may feel the need to offer forgiveness, help your abusive partner through the break up, or show them how you’re better off. However, it’s difficult to really get closure without severing all ties with your ex.  

Try different methods to avoid contacting your former partner. Delete their phone number and            change yours. If you're picking up the phone to call, put the phone in a different room and walk          away — or call the hotline instead.

 Resist the urge to look them up on social media. Unfriend or block them, and if pictures or news         keep popping up, it could be helpful to remove mutual friends as well.

Try writing a letter with all the things you want to say to your ex and don’t send it — or, if                   you're in counseling, send it to your therapist instead.

2.  Surround yourself with support -After an abusive relationship, allow yourself to get help and support from others. Spend time with friends and family who care about you. Tell them what you need from them, whether that’s someone to talk to about what you went through, or someone to keep you from answering phone calls from your ex, stop you from texting them back, etc.

If your abusive partner isolated you from friends and family, you may find that you no longer have that support network — but there are always people who want to help. Consider finding a counselor to talk with one-on-one, or join a support group. If you call the hotline, one of our advocates can connect you to services in your area.  - A note from me - It was difficult, but I contacted my family to let them know what's been going on all these years.  They were remarkably supportive of me and my divorce.  Never underestimate the love they have for you.  And if they're anything less than supportive, walk away from them until you're in a better place emotionally to deal with them and set your boundaries.  Don't exchange one abusive relationship for another.

3.  Take care of yourself - Taking care of yourself is such an important part of the healing process, and that begins with understanding that the abuse that happened wasn’t your fault.

Find things that make you happy. Rediscovering what hobbies you enjoy can be a learning process, but that’s half of the fun. Join clubs or try activities like a group fitness class to meet new people.

If you have children, find ways to make time for yourself. Some gyms offer free childcare while you work out, and different domestic violence centers provide childcare while you’re attending support groups.

Praise yourself for accomplishments, little or big, and counter any negative self-talk with positive mantras or affirmations. Becoming aware of what you think and say about yourself can help shift negative thoughts.

4.  Remember that you’ll get better with time - The old saying that “time heals all wounds” can be incredibly frustrating, but there is truth in it. Recovery does take time and space. Give yourself as much time as you need to heal.

Recovery looks different for everyone, and each person has to find what works for them.  Note from me:  You'll hear from nearly everyone, "But you're out of it now!  You'll find someone new!"  Don't fall into this trap of believing you need to get into another one before getting over the last one.  Find out who you are, fix what's broken in you, before you bring another person into the equation that's outside your normal circle of support and friends.  It might take weeks, months or even years.  But #3 is the most important one in all of this.  Take care of you, first.  If you have kids with your abuser, take care of them, too, to help them work through the abuse and divorce/breakup.

5.  Consider counseling - If you feel that therapy might be helpful, sooner is always better. Therapy can be beneficial for everyone because it’s a place where you can learn increased self-awareness, clarify your goals and look at the choices in front of you.

Counseling sessions provide a safe and confidential environment for survivors to express their feelings, thoughts and fears. Counselors are nonjudgmental third-party advisors who listen and can help survivors work through the things that they are experiencing.

Entering counseling does not necessarily mean that you are mentally ill or can’t cope on your own. Therapy is about how much you’re putting in place to support yourself in healing and succeeding.

Speaking with a trauma specialist can help survivors to deal with their remaining anxiety and find ways to relieve that stress. These specialists can help to process traumatic memories or experiences so that it is possible to move on. They can also aid survivors in learning to regulate their strong emotions like fear and anger.

A good match between therapist and client is one of the most powerful healing factors in a therapeutic relationship. Look for someone who makes you feel heard, understood, safe and comfortable.  Note from me:  I entered counseling the same day I filed for divorce from my abuser.  I ended up finding another therapist when the first one didn't seem to work for me.  If you find you're not comfortable or getting out of the therapy/counseling what you feel you should be getting, move on to another therapist; and even another one, and another one, until you find one that works for you.  And again, find one that specializes in trauma and PTSD.  For survivors of abuse (and that's what you are!  A survivor!) we can have what's called Complex Post Traumatic Stress, which is long-term exposure to trauma (the abuse) and the inability to escape it.  Defined from the link given here:

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim.

 And with this, I'll bid you adieu.  I'm meeting with a new attorney today to help shield me from my abusive STBE husband and his bat-shit crazy attorney.