Married to an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath? You will be alone in this marriage.

Like Katherine Hepburn says, Aspies don't want to be alone,
they simply want to be left alone.  (Image: Flickr.com CC)

“I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.”   ― Audrey Hepburn

Note: I jumped ahead to #30 on the list because I went off on a tangent in my last posting about Aspies and their pathological need to be liked.  I decided to cut it out of there and do this post.

Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths are a funny breed.  They want relationships with people that are close and loving.  They really do.  Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths are extremely lonely people.  What they don't realize, though, is they bring the loneliness on themselves by being so reclusive and difficult.

Aspies actually prefer to be left alone, but they want you to leave them alone while sitting next to them.  They don't want to talk to you, they don't want you to talk to them, they don't want to touch you, they don't want you to touch them.  They just want you to sit next to them and bask in the glory of their deigning to be present.

During your marriage, you'll be treated as an accessory to their life.  You will be the trophy wife, the maid, the cook, the prostitute, the wage earner, the day care provider, the brood mare for their children they want (but also don't want them to bother them), chauffeur, masseuse, and any other role of slavery you can fathom.  But the one thing you WON'T be is an equal partner in the marriage.  You also won't be cherished, honored, respected, acknowledged or treated as though you matter in any way, shape or form beyond any of the above roles.  The signs of this are early in the marriage, if you're paying attention.

Nope, Aspies have people in their life for one reason and one reason only, and that's to serve them.  This is why they work SO hard to win you over.  You are now their new source of Narcissistic Supply.

Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths have an UNCANNY ability to spot your weaknesses so they can exploit them.  I made the mistake of telling my STBE before we were married that I came from an alcoholic family and suffered from abandonment and trust issues as a result.  He zeroed in on those almost from the moment we were married.  It took a few months, because they groom you in very subtle ways, before they hop onto the "let's see how much we can run them down" train.  They actually USE these weaknesses in you to build you up during the "love bombing" stage, working to convince you of what a lovely, trustworthy, loyal, honest person they are.  Once you believe that, the reverse starts happening.

I also told my STBE before we married - Don't ever lie to me.  Even if it's something you think will upset me, I need to know I can always count on you to tell the truth.  I'd rather be hurt by the truth than a lie."  Many years later, in marriage counseling, I brought this up.  His response was, "You didn't mean it."  Really?  I didn't mean it?  That's the best you can do?  You profess to be inside my head to know what I meant when I said this?

For me, the "A-ha" moment came when we'd been married about six months.  As I'd said earlier, I'm a pretty good cook (adventurous is really what it should be called) and I was always trying new recipes.  This particular day, I'd made a dinner salad with three or four types of lettuce, strawberries, hand-made vinaigrette dressing, toasted almonds, smoked turkey, etc.  His kids were there for the weekend and I called everyone to dinner.

I set the large salad bowl down in the center of the table and asked everyone what they wanted to drink?  I went to get the drinks and when I came back, the STBE had served the entire salad to him and his kids, leaving my plate empty.  It was entirely gone with none left for me.  His solution, once he saw me sitting in the living room eating a sandwich (FUMING!) was to tell the kids, "Once you've eaten all you want from your plate, give Nancy the rest."  I got the leftovers?  Really?  I MADE the damn thing and I get the leftovers?????  Fuck that.

See how this devalues you as a person?  Now, in the mind of my STBE, the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, I'm nothing more than a cook and slave.  I'm relegated to eating everyone else's leftovers.

Another example from my life of the "devaluing" stage is something that happened not long after the "salad incident".  Mark's ex-wife had signed the kids up for bowling on Saturday mornings.  Mark would take them to bowling, then lunch, and I'd use the time to clean the entire house and this was no mean task.  See, Mark being the "Disney Dad" (AKA Disneyland Dad), the kids were never required to clean up after themselves, help with housework in any way, they scattered their crap all over the place and generally didn't do anything but sit around with Dad while I waited on them all, hand and foot.

One particular Saturday morning, he took the kids to bowling while I cleaned.  I also washed and ironed all his uniforms, did all the dishes, cleaned the kid's bedrooms, made their beds, cleaned up their crap from the floor, etc.  When Mark and the kids came home around 1 o'clock, he walked in and didn't say a thing about my having cleaned the entire two story row home.  BUT - he did look around and all he said was, "You didn't clean the baseboards.  What's planned for dinner?"  And he walked away.

Again, devaluing me as a person.  I've not met his unrealistic expectations.  I cleaned 1500 square feet of living space but what he noticed was -  I didn't clean the baseboards.  So what did I do?  I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the baseboards.  After so many months of being told by him just how wonderful I was, just how much I fulfilled him, he's now telling me I'm not good enough.

This is where the whole "being alone" kicks in.  No longer are you focused on your expectations of being an equal partner in a good marriage. NOW you're focused on "keeping your man happy" at all costs.  He's unhappy with you so you have to work on this, right?  Because we're all told a good marriage is based on focusing on the needs and the happiness of the other person.  And this IS true.  If you focus on keeping your mate happy, it's like a stone thrown into a pond.  The ripples that come from that spread until it touches every part of your life.

Right?

Not in an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath marriage.  Nope.  As focused as you now are on keeping your man happy, he's that focused on you keeping your man happy.  Now that the devaluing stage has begun, this is where you'll start doing TOO much to keep your man happy and no matter what you do, it won't be enough.  Only NOW, the Aspie will start complaining you're hovering and annoying them with all the attention.  From this point on, the only time your Aspie wants you to pay attention to him is when he's horny or hungry.  Period.  Any other time, they expect you to flit about like a butterfly, attending to their needs, picking up after them, washing their clothes, doing the grocery shopping, keeping the kids out of their hair and generally being the fairy that comes in the middle of the night to take care of the house.

Gone are the late into the night conversations of sharing your future together.  No more pillow talk because once they're done with the sex act, they'll either roll right over and fall asleep or will get up to fastidiously clean themselves as though you have leprosy and they need to get your cooties off of themselves.  No more small talk over dinner because your Aspie will now have become mono-syllabic and will eat as fast as they can so they can go back to their computer/television show/movie, whatever.  Any attempts at conversation over dinner are met with grunts and loud sighs, thereby training you to just sit there, eat your food, and shut the hell up.

They simply want you to leave them ALONE!

Towards the end of my marriage, the STBE started bringing the iPad into the den to "watch television" with me.  However, as soon as he sat down, he'd put the ear buds in and start watching YouTube videos on the thing.  I was ignored.  If I wanted to say something to him, I had to tap his knee.  This was met with a loud sigh, he'd do this whole dramatic thing that involved pausing the video, then taking out his ear buds, then turning to me with another loud sigh and saying, "WHAT?!?!?!"

I finally gave up.  And so should you if you ever want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants you there with them as more than a warm body.

Aspies need to be liked by everyone

Aspies are chameleons, taking on the
personality and persona of the person
they're with or want to attract.
(Image: flickr.com CC)

“Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I'm starting to feel more and more I should be using the term "Narcissist" in all of this.  Aspies and Narcissists are extremely similar and Narcissism is one of the main qualities of being an Aspie.

As much as Aspies and the mental health community would have us believe Aspies are warm, fuzzy kittens all the time, they're not.

Aspies need to be liked SO much, they'll run you down in the process.  They simply don't understand people really CAN like more than one person.

Over the years, the STBE would run into people at work who just didn't like him.  There was really no reason for it, they just didn't like him.  We all have people like that in our lives and it's nothing wrong with you OR them.  Some people just don't like you for whatever reason.  I've never been someone bothered by this but the STBE?  Oh, man, this would make him absolutely CRAZY!  He would try to talk to the person to show them what a wonderful person he is.  If they didn't go for it then, he'd start inviting them to lunch, or for a coffee, or whatever, but if someone doesn't like you, nothing you do will change their mind.

I used to tell the STBE, "Oh my gosh, just let it go!  Not everyone has to like you and there really are people out there in the world who will never like you.  It's nothing to do with you and it's really not personal.  There's just something about you they don't like and it could be something personal to them.  That happens in life, some times."

But he could never let it go.  It would actually keep him up at night.  It was maddening to not just him but me, too, because I was the one who was always required to listen to him talk about it endlessly and it wouldn't end until the person either told him, "Okay, FINE, I like you!" or they left the company or moved to another location.

Now that you're in a committed relationship with the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, you become the target for all their hatred and rage.

Now, the average husband will say nice things about his wife.  She's a good cook.  She takes good care of the kids.  She's has a great memory for detail.  She always gets really great gifts for people at Christmas.  She makes a big deal out of everyone's birthdays.

All of these are things my STBE has said to me at one time or another, in his nicer moments (far and few between), so I know he believes them to be true.  But he's always hated me for these things because he wasn't able to incorporate them into his life.  Aspies choose mates who have the character and personality traits they wish they had.  But these very traits become a reason to hate you down the road.

The Aspie husband, though, is bothered by these parts of my personality/character.  Using the above examples, this is how an Aspie husband handles these items:

My wife is a good cook:  For an Aspie, he's more likely to tell people something along the lines of, "My wife makes SUCH fattening foods, I swear she's trying to kill me".  And always with just the right amount of derision (and based on them making this statement, they might actually come to believe you ARE trying to kill them - Aspies are incredibly paranoid).  Now the kids, both his and ours, would tell anyone who would listen I was a good cook.  At least they used to.  Now they say nothing because that's what Dad trained them to do.  This is called "Abuse by Proxy" or "Proxy Recruitment", because they actually teach the kids to become abusive towards you.

My wife takes good care of the children:  For the Aspie, kids take away attention from THEM, so this is a major, major resentment on their part.  Aspies are more likely to start making it look to the kids as though you pay TOO much attention to them. He might start calling you a "helicopter mom" or working to convince them you're invasive in their lives.  After a long enough time, they start to resent your presence in their lives as anything more than a source for money, clothes or whatever...

My wife has a great memory for detail:  This is another source of angst for the Aspie because they can't remember ANYTHING that has to do with anyone but them.  Tell them one of the kids has a special event and they'll forget, forcing you to remind them over and over.  They resent you for this and can be heard saying, "I swear my wife doesn't forget ANYTHING.  It drives me nuts how she's always bringing something up that happened days/weeks/months/years ago."  Aspies tend to forget they have a running list in their heads of everything "horrible" thing you've ever done to them, real or imagined, and they aren't afraid to whip it out in any and all arguments.

My wife always gets great gifts for people at Christmas:  My STBE was one of those people who would save his Christmas shopping for the very last minute.  He gave no thought to it the other 364 days a year, outside of giving people a list of what HE wanted, so he was never very good at gift buying.  I remember one year I got a shower head for Christmas while he got a really nice sweater, something I knew he needed.  The STBE asked me once, "How is it you always get exactly the right gift for all of us every year?"  I told him, "I pay attention to them when they talk."  He never understood this - this whole paying attention to people.

She makes a big deal out of birthdays:  I've always made a huge deal out of birthdays. I feel we live in a cold world, sometimes, and that everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday.  It's their day and I do everything I can to make it thus.  The birthday person gets to choose dinner that night, whether it's dining out or eating in, makes no difference.  They choose their birthday cake, and Elias would always choose that I make his.  I would sit down with him and have him choose the cake he wanted.  Too difficult?  I didn't care.  I made it because it's what he wanted for his birthday.  Aspies tend to not remember birthdays that aren't theirs.  If I had a nickel for every time I had to remind the STBE it was someone's birthday and he needed to call them, I'd be able to buy an island.  My last birthday before I filed for divorce was forgotten by every single person in the family.  And no one could understand why my feelings were so hurt.  Even my STBE stepdaughter went so far as to say, "But it's okay that we forgot her birthday.  We're Dickinson's, after all."  In their mind, being a Dickinson is synonymous with being thoughtless, and they're okay with that.

Now, all this being said...  Aspies need others to dislike you so they can feel better about themselves.  See?  So-and-so doesn't like you at all but they like ME so I must be a better person.  They use this to chip away at your self-esteem (and Narcissists do this, too) and make you feel badly about yourself.  It's a really subtle thing and usually an off-hand remark made after a company dinner or picnic, after a get-together either at your house or someone else's.  Yeah, Aspies need people to hate you, or at least have you think they hate you.

Why do they do this?  Because Aspies have incredibly low self-esteem.  They know they're different, and instead of embracing being different and "quirky", they try to make those around them look bad so they can look good by comparison.

Also, Aspies tend to hide who they are when starting a relationship.  They will take on the personality of the person they're with at the time and become extremely agreeable people.  You'll think you've found the perfect mate when the truth of the matter is, they're extremely chameleon-like, taking on the likes and dislikes of the person they're courting (this is also called love-bombing).  They will inundate you with flattery, gifts, be agreeable to whatever you suggest and will be SO likable AND lovable!  They will be the PERFECT boyfriend.  (And as a side note: my STBE told me not long before I filed for divorce, "I knew I had these problems before we got married, but I never told you because I was afraid you'd leave me" - How nice for him.  He got what he wanted, but he made me and several children miserable in the process, abusing us all.  But wasn't that fun for him?)

They NEED you to like them to prove to themselves they ARE likable, conveniently forgetting it's them changing into what the other person might need or want, rather than being who they are.  When dating, you ask:

You: Do you feel like a movie tonight?
Him: Sure, that sounds good.
You: What would you like to see?
Him: You pick one.  I want to see whatever you want to see.  OR I don't care, so long as I'm with you.

So you pick something.  What they never tell you afterward is, they never wanted to see that movie and they hated every minute of it.  And so the resentment towards you starts.  Only they'll never TELL you they resent you for this, at least not for a long time.  They're still in the "love bombing" stage, winning you over.

But once you're in a committed relationship with them, it all stops.  They've won you over so there's no need to continue with being "the chameleon".

I can remember the first thing my STBE said to me the moment we were married (literally - the moment we were married).  He turned to me, held my hands in his, looked at me with a tremendous amount of excitement in his eyes and said, "I'm SO glad I married you!" (and right about then in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, what a wonderful thing to say!") but then he followed it up with, "I now have a hot wife!"

Talk about popping your balloon, right?

Nope, once they have you, they have you, and they're not letting go easily.  And so begins life with an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath.

The process of love bombing me, getting me to like him, is now over.

Good luck with the rest of your life with them because it's all downhill from here.

Parental Alienation Syndrome and the child(ren) involved - Even adult children

Emotional vampires will leave you exhausted following an
interaction with them.  Sadly, by the time you realize you're
in the presence of an emotional vampire, it's too late.

Today's posting is for something funny and SO indicative of an Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer.  In addition, I'm going to be explaining in detail just what the Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer will do to hurt you in the divorce.

If you've been following this blog at all, you already know my story: I'm divorcing an Aspie/Narcissist/diagnosed Bipolar Disorder sufferer.  Any one of these is pretty damaging to the emotional/mental well-being of any spouse to them.  I got the trifecta of abusive personality disorders when I married my STBE.  And more than once, it's driven me to the point of thinking the only way out of this marriage was through suicide.  Thank God, those thoughts are behind me, now, and I embrace the wonder of life and look forward to having one without the abusive Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer in it.

The back story:

I've been working to maintain no contact with my STBE because he's so abusive in nature.  He managed to trick me into contact recently, and I'm now back to no contact after the hurricane/tsunami/tornado/earthquake that came with him and am improving again.  However, I've been getting messages from people over the last week from people who know my youngest son and they're worried about him a great deal.

As I've mentioned previously, when you're divorcing an Aspie/Narcissist/Bipolar Disorder sufferer, they'll use the kids to hurt you - and not just a little bit.  For the above personality disorders, in any divorce, it's a "Win at all costs" attitude.  Since these people have absolutely no empathy, using the kids is just another gun in their arsenal, even if it's so bad for them it means decades of therapy, if not a few suicide attempts, for the kids.  They simply don't care.  It's not about what's best for everyone, it's about what's best for THEM.  Aspies/Narcissists/Bipolar Disorder sufferers are emotional vampires.  They will suck the life out of you faster than a speeding bullet and once they've depleted your supply, they'll move onto the next person, and the next, and the next.  So long as there are gullible people in the world who are willing to fall for the charms of the emotional vampire, so shall the narcissist abuse.

Because my son has me blocked on Facebook, I have an account neither he nor my STBE know about and I logged into it to see just what it was my son was saying that had everyone so alarmed.  On the page, I saw my son talking about how depressed he is.  The STBE responded to him with (and it pains me to have to look at the posting again to put this here, but it illustrates the Aspie mind so well):

As I well know, depression is no joke.  People who don't own the black dog can't really understand, although some will genuinely try to help.  Since they usually don't get it they often miss the mark.  Don't discount well-meaning friends.  They won't understand when it seems like you're blowing them off.  Allow people to drag you off to the gym or to get some Chinese food.  Those things will actually help and you find out who your friends are.  Acceptance is great, just don't stop there.Take action.  You know what to do.  Call me anytime you need to.  I'm there for you 24/7.

For the longest time, I couldn't figure out just how my STBE was alienating my son from me (See Parental Alienation Syndrome), and after seeing this post, it all became clear to me.  In order to help you see just how Aspies work (and this is a form of gas lighting, altering the reality of the victim, in this case, my son), I'll break this paragraph of my STBE line-by-line to help you understand it better.

First, let me state, my son has suffered from some form of depression for quite some time.  I took him to two different counselors, who seemed to be helping him.  It was during his stint with one of these counselors it came out that my STBE was using that half-hour in the morning and half-hour in the afternoon, the times he drove our son to and from school, to do nothing but rant about what an awful person I am.  My son was an emotional wreck and told his therapist he was beginning to feel as though he was the only one who could fix our marriage.  In short, my son was being used by the STBE by forcing him to become his therapist.  My son was only 15 at the time.  Rather than actually SEE a therapist, the STBE was forcing others into the role.  He'd done this to me for years and I'd put a stop to it by telling him I couldn't do it any longer and he needed to find an actual therapist.  He refused to do so, saying he didn't need one, and turned it onto my son.

Now, let's break down the Facebook posting- and some of this will make me look paranoid to the nth degree, but after 21 years of living with my STBE, I've seen this all to much.  A great deal of their mental/emotional abuse is subtle):

1. As I well know, depression is no joke.  People who don't own the black dog can't really understand, although some will genuinely try to help.  - "I'm the only one who understands you.  Others might try.  Others might say they do.  But I'm the only one who truly does."  This is his way of letting my son know it's "I" who doesn't get it since I don't suffer from depression.  Never have, probably never will, outside of this marriage.  I was a happy, optimistic person before I married the STBE and I shall be again, post-divorce.
2. Since they usually don't get it they often miss the mark.  Don't discount well-meaning friends.  They won't understand when it seems like you're blowing them off. - This is an extension of #1.  Now my son's being told it's not just me who doesn't get it, but neither does anyone else, even well-meaning friends.  This is a reinforcement of the STBE being the only one who understands him, thus he is the superior parent and human being.  They are both now precious snowflakes and no one gets them BUT each other.
3. Allow people to drag you off to the gym or to get some Chinese food.  Those things will actually help and you find out who your friends are. - On the surface, this all sounds like good advice, right?  For a mentally healthy person going through a normal, average dose of depression, it is.  For a narcissist like my STBE, this is a calculated statement/move.  This is a form of alienation, a common tactic used by Narcissists/abusers.  Now the STBE has my son judging his friends based on the amount of support they give.  No one will be able to measure up to the standards a depressed person will actually have.  And, let's just say it, unless you DO suffer from depression or are a therapist, you'll never truly understand it, therefore will ALWAYS fall short of the mark.  And, people being people, the more my son blows them off, the less likely they become to ask him to go anywhere with him.  The less they come around, the more depressed he becomes.  The more depressed he becomes, the less likely they are to want to be around him at all, because who wants to spend all their time with a person who refuses to have fun or laugh nor do anything to change work towards changing it?  The idea being planted in the mind of my son is: his father is the ONLY person who truly gets him, thus creating a bond of trust that supersedes all other relationships in his life.  His father is now grooming him to be further abused, all in the interest of feeding the need of the STBE to have a narcissistic supply.
4. Acceptance is great, just don't stop there. Take action.  You know what to do. - They now have a secret language that only the two of them understand.  The words used here are cryptic and insinuate to the rest of the world they are conjoined and alone in this, therefore, there's no need to interfere because Dad's got it handled, right?  Wrong.  For a narcissist, there's no greater joy than taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person, as my son is due to the divorce.  This is rocking his world and nothing makes sense any more.  What the STBE is spoon-feeding him is something to latch onto so he can have just ONE thing that makes sense.  The parental alienation is almost complete and the real abuse is about to begin.  I watched this happen with his two kids from his first marriage and they STILL hate their mother, 22 years after the divorce, both of them adults aged 30 and over.
5. Call me anytime you need to.  I'm there for you 24/7. - This is the big one.  Note there's no mention in any of this to see a therapist or medical doctor.  There's no mention of seeking help in any way, shape or form, outside of "Call me!"  This is the reinforcement to my son that the STBE is the ONLY person he should contact, as he's the ONLY person who can help him.  And that 24/7?  Nope, he turns the ringer off on his phone at night.  The precious snowflake that is my STBE simply CAN'T have his sleep disturbed at all.  People who suffer from depression that lasts longer than what's ordinary or average, more than a few days or weeks, SHOULD see a medical doctor or therapist.  For someone to suggest anything else is thoughtless, uncaring, unsympathetic and, let's just say it, dangerous.  People who have been depressed for a long time are more prone to suicide than anyone else.  If you know ANYONE who could be clinically depressed, encourage them to seek professional help - ALWAYS!

Now that this has all been explained for you, this leads me to Parental Alienation Syndrome, which Aspies/Narcissists/Bipolar Disorder sufferers WILL do!  Like they need oxygen, they need the constant and firm adoration of those around them, even if it means they are psychologically damaging others.  Remember, they have no empathy.  The people in their life - their wife, their children, their "friends" - are all there to serve a purpose known only to the Narcissist.  Also, the people in their life are easily replaced once that narcissistic supply runs dry, generally by the parasitic host figuring out what's going on.

Parental Alienation is insidious.  How can you figure out it's happening to you?  Research, research, research.

These alienating strategies worked together to give the child the following three-part message: (this is excerpted from Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)

• The alienating parent is the only parent who cares,
• the alienating parent is needed in order for the child to feel safe and good about him- or herself,
• the targeted parent -- who is dangerous and does not love the child anyway -- must be disavowed in order to maintain the love and approval of the alienating parent. 
• Boldly stated this way, the message resembles the message cult leaders convey to cult members.

 Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is such a damaging emotional assault on a child (even adult children), it's described in this way:  Alienated children are no less damaged than other child victims of extreme conflict, such as child soldiers and other abducted children, who identify with their tormentors to avoid pain and maintain a relationship with them, however abusive that relationship may be. (For the complete article, see here)

The article goes on to say - For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is a dangerous and unworthy parent. The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented; low self esteem and self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, and substance abuse and other forms of addiction are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent. Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the alienated parent, are led to believe that the alienated parent did not love or want them, and experience severe guilt related to betraying the alienated parent. Their depression is rooted is feelings of being unloved by one of their parents, and from separation from that parent, while being denied the opportunity to mourn the loss of the parent, or to even talk about the parent. 

Okay, I think I've given you enough to chew on for now.  But in the beginning of this post, I'd mentioned something funny.  Here it is:

What is it that makes this so funny?  The Facebook account he's referring to?  The one I've apparently trashed with "pretty psycho" stuff?  It's been shut down since he left in November and I've never "done" anything to it at all.

Like abusers need to abuse, so shall narcissists tell huge lies about you in the interest of discrediting you to the rest of the world (meaning, the source of their narcissistic supply).  And if I WERE to post anything on his former account, it would have simply been the truth.  If the truth makes him look bad, then it's HE with the problem, not me.  Oh, and this "make new friends"?  He's trolling for his next parasitic host.  And don't believe for a moment he didn't try to go to the page to see what was on there (nothing, because the account was deactivated).  Aspies/Narcissists/Bipolar Disorder sufferers lie even when the truth won't hurt them.  It's like breathing to them.

I'm so glad I'm out of this farce of a marriage.  After finding copies of his medical records a couple weeks ago and learning he'd been taking medication "off and on" since 1993 for Bipolar Disorder (something he'd never told me), I can safely say, our entire marriage was based on his lies.

What it's like being married to someone with Asperger's. And then divorcing them.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”  ~Mother Teresa

For 21 years, I've been married to the same man.  For 21 years, it's been hell on earth.

My husband was diagnosed with Asperger's earlier this year (2013).  Life with him's been difficult, to say the least.  Add to the mix he also has Bipolar disorder (and I only learned of this recently, also that he'd hidden this from me for the duration of our marriage), but refuses to take his medication for it because he didn't like how it made him feel (Seroquel XR).  I filed for divorce last month because I couldn't take one more day in his distorted world with his viewpoint being the rest of the world is out to get him.

In trying to research just what Asperger's is, in trying to find out just what Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD) is, I couldn't find anything other than "rainbows and unicorns" out there in the internet world.  Apparently, people don't like to talk about what it's really like in the world of an Aspie (as they like to call themselves, though I think it makes it all cute and wonderful).  Once I saw just how prevalent this "bury your head in the sand" approach is, I decided to make it my mission to start writing about just how hard it really is being married to an Aspie.

There's a caveat to all this.  Before I'm inundated by moms with Aspie children, my postings will pertain to how things went in MY marriage.  This isn't directed at your child, whom I'm sure is perfectly lovely and wonderful all the time (see also Precious Darling Syndrome).  Also, the Asperger's of today is different now.  Back when my husband was born, Asperger's wasn't a diagnosis, only having been "discovered" in the 1990's.  In discussing some of this many months ago with my STBE Mother-in-law, she told me she suspected for a long time my STBE, Mark, has Asperger's, and apparently she's discussed it with everyone BUT me and Mark.  Gee, thanks for passing on to me with no warning your troubled son and turning him loose on the world.

Those of us who live in the reality that is Asperger's know it's not as wonderful as "they" would have us believe.  We're made to feel guilty for not being more patient and understanding.  We're made to feel as though we're failures for not giving our Aspies more time, more latitude, more love.

The truth of the matter is, we're not failures for reaching the end of our rope with our Aspies.  We're a testament to the strength of character it takes to remain married for as long as some of us have done.  Most of these women I've talked to have been married for 10 to fifteen years and more.  Aspies chose us to be their wives because they KNEW we'd put up with it, not because we're idiots who relish living in an abusive marriage but because we have a character trait they need to remain in the marriage, we're caregivers and loving people who refuse to give up on a person because they're not perfect.  We're the women who give of ourselves more than the average person.  We don't walk away at the first sign of trouble and we want to do our part to make things better for those around us, for those who love us.

To help those of you who have landed here, completely desperate for information as to just WHAT'S wrong with your husband and father of your children, I'm going to tell it like it is, warts and all.  No sunshine and unicorns here.  Before I do that, I'll say this: Because of this "cone of silence" that seems to surround the Aspies and their families, you won't find in a lot of places what I'm about to share here (and I'll be doing it over several posts, not just one - stay tuned for more as time progresses).  Over the last few months, I found a couple of places online that address what life's REALLY like with an Aspie and they are brutally honest, which is what I needed.  I felt extremely alone in all of this, these last 21 years.  I knew something was off with my soon-to-be-ex (STBE) Aspie husband, but I was always told, "He's got a mental illness.  You just need to be patient."

I feel I've been patient.  I feel I've had the patience of Job with no return on my investment in this marriage.  It's been completely one-sided for the duration and it's like a friend told me not long ago, also married to an Aspie, "Being in a marriage with an Aspie is like rowing a boat by yourself while they sit there and let you.  You're moving.  You're getting somewhere, but it's only in circles and after a long enough time, you're exhausted from the effort.  But you're not allowed to rest, either, because then you fall backward and it gets worse."

One of the takeaways of being in these groups is:  I learned I'm NOT crazy.  My husband was like a million other Aspies out there in the world and ALL of them are bad at marriage, not just mine.  They may be able to fake it for a while, for mine the longest he could go was about two or three months, and then his Aspie-ness would come back full force, and in most cases worse.  I've found this is the same in the others I've interacted with online.  Their husbands can "fake it" for a few weeks or months, but the effort is difficult for Aspies and they can't hold it in any longer.

I came a cross a website about Asperger's and marriage.  The writer there has a list of her own and it's #3 that I steal this little nugget, and it's SO true in most AS/NT marriages:

Many describe living with an Aspie as draining. It is not always the big things that lead to distress, but the constant drip, drip, drip of small seemingly thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their Asperger family members. It isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a loving connection very difficult. (Excerpted from Kathy J. Marshack's website on Asperger's Syndrome, http://www.kmarshack.com/Asperger-Syndrome.html)

So prepare to share my journey.  I'm going to try to post every day but sometimes life gets in the way, and for that, I apologize.  I've been in your shoes, this married to an Aspie with BPD, and I've been so desperate for information I would sit and cry in the dark sometimes, totally confused, upset and off-kilter with my life and having no clue what was going on.  Truth be told, I'll try to continue on with this after the divorce is final, but if the other blogs like mine, women married to Aspie who are divorcing them, is any indication, it would seem once you divorce them, life becomes wonderful again and they simply don't have the time any longer to write.

I look forward to that day, when I don't have the time any longer to work through this disaster that was my marriage and the angst that goes along with divorcing them.  My divorce is going along fairly typically from what I've read of other women divorcing Aspies.  Seems Aspies are pretty predictable and mine is no different from the rest.

Time for another cup of tea.  I'll see you tomorrow!  Until then, hang on tight!  You'll get through it all not exactly unscathed, but wiser for the experience.