Other times, he would say or do something incredibly hurtful and when I'd call him on it, he'd deny he ever did or said whatever it was I came to him with.
- The gaslighter has gotten you off the original discussion, his possible cheating
- The gaslighter now has you on the defensive
- The gaslighter is telling you you're paranoid (and not for the first time, I'm sure)
- The gaslighter is telling you that you should be seeing a therapist
- The gaslighter is now telling you that your questioning his fidelity is actually you attempting to hide the fact that you're the cheater (even though you're not)
- The gaslighter is further undermining your confidence in yourself
- The gas lighter has successfully diverted not just the conversation about your feelings, but he's also probably gotten you the the point of apologizing.
- He now has you focusing on his feelings, his needs, his wants and you feelings, needs and wants are no longer even of topic.
What creates your “broken heart” when you get rejected
When someone rejects you without saying anything negative about you, you will likely begin to immediately think 2 things. First, you decide what the other person thinks about you, and then you believe that their opinion must be right. In other words, you make an assumption about what they think about you, and then you form the conclusion that what they think must be true.
Here are a few common examples:
- The assumption about what they think: “He thinks I’m not good enough”, “He thinks something is wrong with me”, or “He doesn’t think I am worthy of love”
- The conclusion that what they think must be true: “If he thinks I’m not good enough, then I must not be good enough”, “If he thinks something is wrong with me, there must be something wrong with me”, or “If he doesn’t think I am worthy of love, then I must not be worthy of love”
You may be aware of these thoughts or you may not be. But if you’re feeling hurt, they are there.
Once we believe these negative thoughts about ourselves, we are essentially worsening our opinion of ourselves. When our opinion of ourselves worsens, we experience the feeling of hurt or being broken hearted. (I won’t get into the details of why this creates hurt in this post).