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Monday, March 24, 2014

Married to an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath? You will be alone in this marriage.

Like Katherine Hepburn says, Aspies don't want to be alone,
they simply want to be left alone.  (Image: CC)
“I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.”   ― Audrey Hepburn

Note: I jumped ahead to #30 on the list because I went off on a tangent in my last posting about Aspies and their pathological need to be liked.  I decided to cut it out of there and do this post.

Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths are a funny breed.  They want relationships with people that are close and loving.  They really do.  Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths are extremely lonely people.  What they don't realize, though, is they bring the loneliness on themselves by being so reclusive and difficult.

Aspies actually prefer to be left alone, but they want you to leave them alone while sitting next to them.  They don't want to talk to you, they don't want you to talk to them, they don't want to touch you, they don't want you to touch them.  They just want you to sit next to them and bask in the glory of their deigning to be present.

During your marriage, you'll be treated as an accessory to their life.  You will be the trophy wife, the maid, the cook, the prostitute, the wage earner, the day care provider, the brood mare for their children they want (but also don't want them to bother them), chauffeur, masseuse, and any other role of slavery you can fathom.  But the one thing you WON'T be is an equal partner in the marriage.  You also won't be cherished, honored, respected, acknowledged or treated as though you matter in any way, shape or form beyond any of the above roles.  The signs of this are early in the marriage, if you're paying attention.

Nope, Aspies have people in their life for one reason and one reason only, and that's to serve them.  This is why they work SO hard to win you over.  You are now their new source of Narcissistic Supply.

Aspies/Narcissists/Sociopaths have an UNCANNY ability to spot your weaknesses so they can exploit them.  I made the mistake of telling my STBE before we were married that I came from an alcoholic family and suffered from abandonment and trust issues as a result.  He zeroed in on those almost from the moment we were married.  It took a few months, because they groom you in very subtle ways, before they hop onto the "let's see how much we can run them down" train.  They actually USE these weaknesses in you to build you up during the "love bombing" stage, working to convince you of what a lovely, trustworthy, loyal, honest person they are.  Once you believe that, the reverse starts happening.

I also told my STBE before we married - Don't ever lie to me.  Even if it's something you think will upset me, I need to know I can always count on you to tell the truth.  I'd rather be hurt by the truth than a lie."  Many years later, in marriage counseling, I brought this up.  His response was, "You didn't mean it."  Really?  I didn't mean it?  That's the best you can do?  You profess to be inside my head to know what I meant when I said this?

For me, the "A-ha" moment came when we'd been married about six months.  As I'd said earlier, I'm a pretty good cook (adventurous is really what it should be called) and I was always trying new recipes.  This particular day, I'd made a dinner salad with three or four types of lettuce, strawberries, hand-made vinaigrette dressing, toasted almonds, smoked turkey, etc.  His kids were there for the weekend and I called everyone to dinner.

I set the large salad bowl down in the center of the table and asked everyone what they wanted to drink?  I went to get the drinks and when I came back, the STBE had served the entire salad to him and his kids, leaving my plate empty.  It was entirely gone with none left for me.  His solution, once he saw me sitting in the living room eating a sandwich (FUMING!) was to tell the kids, "Once you've eaten all you want from your plate, give Nancy the rest."  I got the leftovers?  Really?  I MADE the damn thing and I get the leftovers?????  Fuck that.

See how this devalues you as a person?  Now, in the mind of my STBE, the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, I'm nothing more than a cook and slave.  I'm relegated to eating everyone else's leftovers.

Another example from my life of the "devaluing" stage is something that happened not long after the "salad incident".  Mark's ex-wife had signed the kids up for bowling on Saturday mornings.  Mark would take them to bowling, then lunch, and I'd use the time to clean the entire house and this was no mean task.  See, Mark being the "Disney Dad" (AKA Disneyland Dad), the kids were never required to clean up after themselves, help with housework in any way, they scattered their crap all over the place and generally didn't do anything but sit around with Dad while I waited on them all, hand and foot.

One particular Saturday morning, he took the kids to bowling while I cleaned.  I also washed and ironed all his uniforms, did all the dishes, cleaned the kid's bedrooms, made their beds, cleaned up their crap from the floor, etc.  When Mark and the kids came home around 1 o'clock, he walked in and didn't say a thing about my having cleaned the entire two story row home.  BUT - he did look around and all he said was, "You didn't clean the baseboards.  What's planned for dinner?"  And he walked away.

Again, devaluing me as a person.  I've not met his unrealistic expectations.  I cleaned 1500 square feet of living space but what he noticed was -  I didn't clean the baseboards.  So what did I do?  I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the baseboards.  After so many months of being told by him just how wonderful I was, just how much I fulfilled him, he's now telling me I'm not good enough.

This is where the whole "being alone" kicks in.  No longer are you focused on your expectations of being an equal partner in a good marriage. NOW you're focused on "keeping your man happy" at all costs.  He's unhappy with you so you have to work on this, right?  Because we're all told a good marriage is based on focusing on the needs and the happiness of the other person.  And this IS true.  If you focus on keeping your mate happy, it's like a stone thrown into a pond.  The ripples that come from that spread until it touches every part of your life.


Not in an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath marriage.  Nope.  As focused as you now are on keeping your man happy, he's that focused on you keeping your man happy.  Now that the devaluing stage has begun, this is where you'll start doing TOO much to keep your man happy and no matter what you do, it won't be enough.  Only NOW, the Aspie will start complaining you're hovering and annoying them with all the attention.  From this point on, the only time your Aspie wants you to pay attention to him is when he's horny or hungry.  Period.  Any other time, they expect you to flit about like a butterfly, attending to their needs, picking up after them, washing their clothes, doing the grocery shopping, keeping the kids out of their hair and generally being the fairy that comes in the middle of the night to take care of the house.

Gone are the late into the night conversations of sharing your future together.  No more pillow talk because once they're done with the sex act, they'll either roll right over and fall asleep or will get up to fastidiously clean themselves as though you have leprosy and they need to get your cooties off of themselves.  No more small talk over dinner because your Aspie will now have become mono-syllabic and will eat as fast as they can so they can go back to their computer/television show/movie, whatever.  Any attempts at conversation over dinner are met with grunts and loud sighs, thereby training you to just sit there, eat your food, and shut the hell up.

They simply want you to leave them ALONE!

Towards the end of my marriage, the STBE started bringing the iPad into the den to "watch television" with me.  However, as soon as he sat down, he'd put the ear buds in and start watching YouTube videos on the thing.  I was ignored.  If I wanted to say something to him, I had to tap his knee.  This was met with a loud sigh, he'd do this whole dramatic thing that involved pausing the video, then taking out his ear buds, then turning to me with another loud sigh and saying, "WHAT?!?!?!"

I finally gave up.  And so should you if you ever want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants you there with them as more than a warm body.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Aspies need to be liked by everyone

Aspies are chameleons, taking on the
personality and persona of the person
they're with or want to attract.
(Image: CC)
“Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time” ― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I'm starting to feel more and more I should be using the term "Narcissist" in all of this.  Aspies and Narcissists are extremely similar and Narcissism is one of the main qualities of being an Aspie.

As much as Aspies and the mental health community would have us believe Aspies are warm, fuzzy kittens all the time, they're not.

Aspies need to be liked SO much, they'll run you down in the process.  They simply don't understand people really CAN like more than one person.

Over the years, the STBE would run into people at work who just didn't like him.  There was really no reason for it, they just didn't like him.  We all have people like that in our lives and it's nothing wrong with you OR them.  Some people just don't like you for whatever reason.  I've never been someone bothered by this but the STBE?  Oh, man, this would make him absolutely CRAZY!  He would try to talk to the person to show them what a wonderful person he is.  If they didn't go for it then, he'd start inviting them to lunch, or for a coffee, or whatever, but if someone doesn't like you, nothing you do will change their mind.

I used to tell the STBE, "Oh my gosh, just let it go!  Not everyone has to like you and there really are people out there in the world who will never like you.  It's nothing to do with you and it's really not personal.  There's just something about you they don't like and it could be something personal to them.  That happens in life, some times."

But he could never let it go.  It would actually keep him up at night.  It was maddening to not just him but me, too, because I was the one who was always required to listen to him talk about it endlessly and it wouldn't end until the person either told him, "Okay, FINE, I like you!" or they left the company or moved to another location.

Now that you're in a committed relationship with the Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath, you become the target for all their hatred and rage.

Now, the average husband will say nice things about his wife.  She's a good cook.  She takes good care of the kids.  She's has a great memory for detail.  She always gets really great gifts for people at Christmas.  She makes a big deal out of everyone's birthdays.

All of these are things my STBE has said to me at one time or another, in his nicer moments (far and few between), so I know he believes them to be true.  But he's always hated me for these things because he wasn't able to incorporate them into his life.  Aspies choose mates who have the character and personality traits they wish they had.  But these very traits become a reason to hate you down the road.

The Aspie husband, though, is bothered by these parts of my personality/character.  Using the above examples, this is how an Aspie husband handles these items:

My wife is a good cook:  For an Aspie, he's more likely to tell people something along the lines of, "My wife makes SUCH fattening foods, I swear she's trying to kill me".  And always with just the right amount of derision (and based on them making this statement, they might actually come to believe you ARE trying to kill them - Aspies are incredibly paranoid).  Now the kids, both his and ours, would tell anyone who would listen I was a good cook.  At least they used to.  Now they say nothing because that's what Dad trained them to do.  This is called "Abuse by Proxy" or "Proxy Recruitment", because they actually teach the kids to become abusive towards you.

My wife takes good care of the children:  For the Aspie, kids take away attention from THEM, so this is a major, major resentment on their part.  Aspies are more likely to start making it look to the kids as though you pay TOO much attention to them. He might start calling you a "helicopter mom" or working to convince them you're invasive in their lives.  After a long enough time, they start to resent your presence in their lives as anything more than a source for money, clothes or whatever...

My wife has a great memory for detail:  This is another source of angst for the Aspie because they can't remember ANYTHING that has to do with anyone but them.  Tell them one of the kids has a special event and they'll forget, forcing you to remind them over and over.  They resent you for this and can be heard saying, "I swear my wife doesn't forget ANYTHING.  It drives me nuts how she's always bringing something up that happened days/weeks/months/years ago."  Aspies tend to forget they have a running list in their heads of everything "horrible" thing you've ever done to them, real or imagined, and they aren't afraid to whip it out in any and all arguments.

My wife always gets great gifts for people at Christmas:  My STBE was one of those people who would save his Christmas shopping for the very last minute.  He gave no thought to it the other 364 days a year, outside of giving people a list of what HE wanted, so he was never very good at gift buying.  I remember one year I got a shower head for Christmas while he got a really nice sweater, something I knew he needed.  The STBE asked me once, "How is it you always get exactly the right gift for all of us every year?"  I told him, "I pay attention to them when they talk."  He never understood this - this whole paying attention to people.

She makes a big deal out of birthdays:  I've always made a huge deal out of birthdays. I feel we live in a cold world, sometimes, and that everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday.  It's their day and I do everything I can to make it thus.  The birthday person gets to choose dinner that night, whether it's dining out or eating in, makes no difference.  They choose their birthday cake, and Elias would always choose that I make his.  I would sit down with him and have him choose the cake he wanted.  Too difficult?  I didn't care.  I made it because it's what he wanted for his birthday.  Aspies tend to not remember birthdays that aren't theirs.  If I had a nickel for every time I had to remind the STBE it was someone's birthday and he needed to call them, I'd be able to buy an island.  My last birthday before I filed for divorce was forgotten by every single person in the family.  And no one could understand why my feelings were so hurt.  Even my STBE stepdaughter went so far as to say, "But it's okay that we forgot her birthday.  We're Dickinson's, after all."  In their mind, being a Dickinson is synonymous with being thoughtless, and they're okay with that.

Now, all this being said...  Aspies need others to dislike you so they can feel better about themselves.  See?  So-and-so doesn't like you at all but they like ME so I must be a better person.  They use this to chip away at your self-esteem (and Narcissists do this, too) and make you feel badly about yourself.  It's a really subtle thing and usually an off-hand remark made after a company dinner or picnic, after a get-together either at your house or someone else's.  Yeah, Aspies need people to hate you, or at least have you think they hate you.

Why do they do this?  Because Aspies have incredibly low self-esteem.  They know they're different, and instead of embracing being different and "quirky", they try to make those around them look bad so they can look good by comparison.

Also, Aspies tend to hide who they are when starting a relationship.  They will take on the personality of the person they're with at the time and become extremely agreeable people.  You'll think you've found the perfect mate when the truth of the matter is, they're extremely chameleon-like, taking on the likes and dislikes of the person they're courting (this is also called love-bombing).  They will inundate you with flattery, gifts, be agreeable to whatever you suggest and will be SO likable AND lovable!  They will be the PERFECT boyfriend.  (And as a side note: my STBE told me not long before I filed for divorce, "I knew I had these problems before we got married, but I never told you because I was afraid you'd leave me" - How nice for him.  He got what he wanted, but he made me and several children miserable in the process, abusing us all.  But wasn't that fun for him?)

They NEED you to like them to prove to themselves they ARE likable, conveniently forgetting it's them changing into what the other person might need or want, rather than being who they are.  When dating, you ask:

You: Do you feel like a movie tonight?
Him: Sure, that sounds good.
You: What would you like to see?
Him: You pick one.  I want to see whatever you want to see.  OR I don't care, so long as I'm with you.

So you pick something.  What they never tell you afterward is, they never wanted to see that movie and they hated every minute of it.  And so the resentment towards you starts.  Only they'll never TELL you they resent you for this, at least not for a long time.  They're still in the "love bombing" stage, winning you over.

But once you're in a committed relationship with them, it all stops.  They've won you over so there's no need to continue with being "the chameleon".

I can remember the first thing my STBE said to me the moment we were married (literally - the moment we were married).  He turned to me, held my hands in his, looked at me with a tremendous amount of excitement in his eyes and said, "I'm SO glad I married you!" (and right about then in my head, I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, what a wonderful thing to say!") but then he followed it up with, "I now have a hot wife!"

Talk about popping your balloon, right?

Nope, once they have you, they have you, and they're not letting go easily.  And so begins life with an Aspie/Narcissist/Sociopath.

The process of love bombing me, getting me to like him, is now over.

Good luck with the rest of your life with them because it's all downhill from here.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Aspies will use the children against you

Before reading this, read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome.

During my marriage to my sociopathic Aspie (and most Aspies ARE sociopaths, due to their lack of empathy.  Testing was done using brain scans of Aspies and known sociopaths and there wasn't a whole lot of differences between the two) he would use our youngest son, Elias, as his therapist and sounding board for ranting about just what a horrible person I am.

It's not that I'm truly a horrible person, it's that to an Aspie/sociopath/narcissist, anything you do that's different from them (and let's just say it - EVERYTHING you do is different from them) is "abuse".  When it comes to parenting, they are the ultimate and forever "Disney Dad".  No discipline, no rules and the times you DO make them take part in being "the bad guy", it rocks their whole world.

I can remember one time, my youngest had disappeared with one of his friends.  He was under 10 at the time and neither I nor the other kid's parents could find them.  We were all, every one of us, terrified something had happened to them.  They finally appeared but it was after a pretty rough couple of hours and we were on the verge of calling the police (and the father of the other child WAS a police officer).

The STBE Aspie/Sociopath/Narcissist was out of town for this event and after talking to him about it over the phone, we decided to offer Elias a choice of punishments - either he lose his XBox for a week or he get one spanking with the belt.  I also talked it over with my son's psychiatrist and we gave Elias the time to decide which one he wanted, by telling him he had until his dad came home from his trip to make up his mind, which was four days hence.

When the STBE Aspie/sociopath/narcissist came home, Elias decided he wanted one spanking with the belt so I made the STBE do it since I'd already dealt with all the other crap while he was gone.  The STBE Aspie/sociopath/narcissist went upstairs, gave Elias one crack with the belt and came downstairs BAWLING HIS EYES OUT! 

Why was he crying?  I asked him and he told me, "It just hurt me SO much to do that" and he went on bawling.  Long, heart-wrenching, blubbering bawling.  No mention of Elias and his pain both physical and emotional.  Nothing.  Elias was completely removed from his mind so focused on his own pain was he.  I even asked him, "Is Elias okay?"  His response was, "I don't know.  I just came downstairs right way so he wouldn't see me crying."  I don't know??????  This is your kid.  You just cracked him with a belt and you don't know??????  There should have been some discussion after this with the child.  There should have been some soothing of hurt feelings.  Something.  Anything, other than, "I don't know."

Turns out Elias was barely fazed by this.  He took his spanking and went on with his life.  But this stayed with the STBE for months!  He would break out in tears at odd and random times, such as if we were at an amusement park with our son.  We'd be standing in line at a ride and he would just stare at Elias and suddenly start crying over the heartache he still suffered over having to spank Elias that day.  Aspies/sociopaths/narcissist are SO afraid of one of the kids disliking them for even a nanosecond, they make for lousy parents.  Kids are often ambivalent about their parents.  This is a fact of life.  It doesn't mean they don't love you.  It just means they're your kids.  The STBE simply couldn't bear the thought of being anything less than perfect in the eyes of the kids, even if it meant them hating me pretty much 24/7 and he encouraged that, the hating me.

And that was about the same time he started his campaign of hatred against me with the kids, both Elias and my son from my first marriage.  He started undermining me with the kids 100% and suffered no angst in doing it.

See, Aspies/sociopaths/narcissists have such a great need to be liked, they can't even stand it when they have to be anything but the "fun time" parent with the kids.  There's absolutely no support as a parent from these people because that gets in the way of, "The kids HAVE to like me more than they like HER!"  Because of this, the kids WILL have a definite preference for Good Ole Dad before it's all over and you...  Well, you will be the abusive monster.

Whenever I tried to punish one of the kids for something (again, both Elias and my son from my first marriage), he'd go behind me to "talk" to them.  There was a rolling of the eyes.  There would be statements made like, "You know how your mom is...!" or "Yeah, I agree.  She's being unreasonable.  But what can you do?" with a huge shrug of the shoulders.  Everything he would say to them at these times was to reinforce to them he was the good guy, I was the monster.  He'd then promise them he's "talk to me" about it all, which translated to, "Nancy, you need to change your mind."

He was so good at this, it took me a while to figure out just what it was he was doing.  A lot of times I'd cave because of his working so hard to convince me of just what a horrible parent I was for expecting the kids to be punished for such a "minor" infraction.

And this is an example of what he considered to be a "minor" infraction (and I'll have a couple more.  This was just a big one) - New Year's Eve, 1999-2000 - My son from my first marriage wanted to go to a friend's house for a party.  He was 17 at the time.  I was pretty sick with the flu and running a fever so he had to wake me up to ask me.  I'm not usually my best after being awakened suddenly like that.  Add to that a fever and you've got a recipe for disaster.  I agreed to let my son go to this party with the proviso he come home at midnight.  He argued he wanted to stay out later due to midnight being "the best part".  Okay then, one o'clock.  I also told him I wanted the kid's phone number and address so I could get hold of him for any reason.  I then fell back asleep.

Around three in the morning, I woke up for some reason and my son wasn't home.  However, the STBE WAS on the computer surfing his porn and engaging in his online affairs and spanking off to "chat sex".

The conversation went like this:

Me: Where's Billy?
Him: I don't know.
Me:  Did he call?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Did he come home and leave again?
Him: I don't know.
Me (now frantic): Do you fucking know ANYTHING????
Him: I know he's not here. (See the disconnect from the reality of what was happening?)

So now it's on...

I called the number my son had left me.  It was a fictitious number.  It went no where and was a disconnected number.  I drove to the address he gave me.  It was an empty lot.  I now had absolutely NO idea where my kid was and the STBE couldn't have cared less.  God knows a missing teenager can't get in between him and his porn/jacking off/affairs.

The Burger King my son worked at with this kid finally opened at 6AM and as soon as the manager unlocked the doors, I was in there like a bull in a china shop demanding contact information for this kid.  After the manager put me through some general douchbaggery, telling me what a horrible mother I was for not knowing where my kid was, he finally gave me the information and I think I drove about 100 miles an hour getting there - TWO COUNTIES AWAY!!!!!

We finally found the house with the help of a deputy we came across.  Turns out, this house was a major drug house and it was supposed to be raided on New Year's Eve but my son turning up in the mix prevented that because they were trying to find out what major drug lord this was showing up like this.

We get Billy in the car and he REEKS of alcohol.  REEKS!  It's coming out of his pores, he's had so much of it.  I ask him if he's been drinking and he denies it.  I tell him I can smell it coming off of him and if he's not going to admit to it, I'm happy to take him to a police station to have a breathalyzer done.  He admits it.  He also admits he was passed out when he was supposed to be coming home.

When we got home, I sat a chair in the middle of the living room floor and told him to sit in it until I let him out of it.  I then told him, "I'm sick with the flu and instead of sleeping I was out looking for you.  Now you can sit there and watch me sleep while you think about what you did."

I took him to work that afternoon, after a good nap, and when I picked him up at the end of his shift, we sat down and talked.  I told him he was grounded.  He asked me for how long.  I told him, "Until I get over it."

Over the next four months, the STBE did his damnedest to convince me I was being "unreasonable" and "outrageous".  I refused to budge on this one.  I finally let Billy off his grounding but the STBE worked me the entire time.  To him, this was a matter of "Boys will be boys".

Another time, this same son, on home for leave from the Army for Christmas, wanted to use our car for a date.  He told us, "I'll wash it, I'll fill it before I give it back you."  Oh, okay, that sounds fine.

He came to us about an hour before he was supposed to pick up his date:  Mom, Mark, can I borrow about $100 for my date and to put gas in the car?

I told him not only could he NOT have the $100 but because he came to us under false pretenses with no intention of paying for the gas he was going to fill up the car with, he couldn't use the car, either.  This was such total BS I can't even say it was funny.  Not now. Not then.  I went upstairs to take a shower and watch some television, considering the matter closed.  When I came back down, the car was gone.  The STBE was, again, sitting at the computer involved in his porn/jacking off/affairs and this is how the conversation went:

Me: Mark, where's your car (already knowing the answer)?
Him: I let Billy use it.
Me:  I thought I told him he couldn't.
Him: I know, but I thought you were being unreasonable so I let him take it.  It IS my car, after all.
Me: I thought he didn't have any money?
Him: I gave him $150.

See?  See how they do this?  Turn the kids against you?  Not only did he openly defy my wishes when he should have been backing me up, he gave Billy MORE than he'd asked for, thus solidifying in my son's mind what a "cool" stepfather HE is and what a total bitch I am.

This went on for years.  Me being the hard-ass parent, him being the one they all went to because Mom was "unreasonable".  The culmination of it for me was when Billy wanted to use my car (after he'd gotten out of the Army and came to live with us) and I wouldn't let him because a couple months earlier, he'd wrecked it by backing into something and didn't tell me.  He looked me square in the eye and said, "I'll just ask Mark.  HE'LL say yes".  

Also in this time frame, he'd become pretty abusive to Elias because of jealousy or because he's also a sociopath, who knows.  His father raised him to hate me, too - Billy screaming at me once, when he was about 9 years old - "Dad's RIGHT!  You're nothing but a total fucking cunt!"

By this time, Elias was pretty scared of Billy and wasn't afraid to tell me so.  I went to Mark that night and told him, "You've undermined me so much with Billy he has no respect for me at all.  He's also gotten so abusive to Elias, he's afraid to sleep alone at night.  I don't care what you and Billy do, but Elias and I are moving out at the end of the month." (And as a side note, this was in October of that year.  Since this was also the month my mother passed away a few years earlier, Mark declared to all and sundry I was simply being "emotional and unreasonable" due to the anniversary of my mother's death approaching)

The result of this was, Mark finally told Billy he was out of it and that all decisions regarding him were mine to make.  This angered Billy so much (following so many years of running the household and manipulating everyone), after a couple months of him trying to get Mark to be his buddy again and keep me in line so he could do whatever the fuck he wished, he attacked me and hurt me pretty badly.

Billy was kicked out of the house and I got an order of protection.  I haven't seen him since and, frankly, I don't miss him because he's become so abusive and threatening I worry he'd try to kill me, given the opportunity.  Even Elias' therapist told me he grown fearful Billy was going to harm Elias and he was on the verge of calling Children's Protective Services about having Elias removed from the house if Billy wouldn't leave.

This is what having an Aspie/sociopath/narcissist in the house does to your family.  They create SO much chaos with their line of BS and then like to stand back to watch their work in action, all the while demanding all the chaos go away because it's just TOO much for them, blaming it on the target parent.

This was about four years ago.  Fast forward to now.  Mark turned on Elias and started targeting HIM with all his hatred of me now that Billy was no longer there to manipulate.  He would drive Elias to school every morning and spend the entire half-hour ranting about what a horrible and abusive person I was/am, even if he had to make it up.  I had no idea this was going on until Elias spilled it to his therapist when he was about 16 or so.  The therapist saw it for what it was, emotional abuse, and called Mark in for a private appointment; just him and the therapist.  I don't know what was said that day, but Mark was put on notice if the therapist ever heard of it happening again, he was going to call CPS and turn him in for being abusive. (He should have done it then, and I should have insisted on it but hindsight being what it is...)

It never happened again, that I know of, but Elias also told me his dad told him, "If you ever tell anyone again I'm doing this, the state will take you away and you'll never see me or your mom again."  With an Aspie/sociopath/narcissist, everyone's fair game for abuse.  It's all about them being able to do/say whatever they wish, no matter how horrible or abusive, and everyone is just supposed to say, "Well, that's Mark!"  The need to be the favored person is SO deeply ingrained in them, they don't care who they hurt in order to have the admiration of others.  They will use people like you might use a box of Kleenex during a cold.  And they don't care.  They have absolutely NO empathy at all for anyone else.  This is also the mark of a sociopath and why they are so similar personality-wise.

Mark kept up his tirades against me, planting the seeds of hate in the kids, to the extent none of them are talking to me now since I filed for divorce.  Elias, whom I was once so close to and who could/would talk to me about anything and everything, told me in our last conversation I was an abusive bitch and "You need to just kill yourself and put me and Dad out of our misery".

Now who does that sound like?

Since Elias left for the Air Force, we got along pretty well for the first year or so.  At least until about eight months ago.  He started getting extremely angry and hostile towards me (and I found notes Mark had been making beginning about the same time - this past July - that he had begun making plans to divorce me.  This explains why Elias' personality and love for me changed so radically and so quickly) and had cut me off from him then.  His campaign to hurt me using the kids went into effect LONG before he left, LONG before I had him kicked out.

If you were to ask Elias today if there were any good qualities to me at all, he couldn't come up with a single one.  A few months ago, he told me he KNEW he could always count on me to be there for him, while knowing he couldn't count on his dad to have his back.  Now, he'll tell you the opposite, along with about a dozen other horrible things about me.  Not long before he cut me off, he'd also stopped telling me he loved me.

Note: I'll be honest - I can look through the list of PAS symptoms and see where I'd done things like this to my son.  One item that stands out, #8, is - I refused contact with my family for several years.  This was following a long campaign by the STBE Aspie/sociopath/narcissist to convince me my family was awful, his family was wonderful.  He also outright lied to me at times about it - such as when I was in the hospital following major surgery.  I'd asked him to call my siblings (my parents were gone by this time) and a few other people to let them know I was there.  He even had a list and took my cell phone with him to call them so he could have their numbers.  He was gone about an hour and came back to report to me none of them cared.  He told me my siblings all took the stance, "I don't care.  And please tell Nancy to stop calling me".  Seems they'd also tried to call the house to talk to me and he would tell them, "Nancy doesn't want to talk to you".

I was LIVID at all my family once Mark reported this back to me and I wrote them all a pretty scathing letter about staying out of my life.  It wasn't until three years later my oldest sister had the courage to call and she got me on the phone (right after Mark had been kicked out of the house).

So, yeah, taken out of context, it would look like I'm guilty of PAS by the simple fact I prevented Elias from having anything to do with them.  Which is exactly what Mark wanted.  I'm working on fixing things with my siblings but the nephew I helped raise still refuses contact with me as do a couple other people.  When you divorce an Aspie/sociopath/narcissist, they spread it around.  MY family heard from him about the divorce before his OWN family had.  They want everyone to hate you as much as they do.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Aspies are NEVER at fault - no matter what

“When you think everything is someone else’s fault, chances are that you’re looking at the wrong side of the looking glass.” 
― Jennifer Megan Varnadore

Aspies will always find someone else to blame, even if they
were the only one there when they dropped the egg.
I don't even know where to start with this one.  After 21 years of everything being my fault, it's difficult to separate in my mind what WAS my fault and what was HIS fault.

In any marriage, it takes two to tango.  In any marriage, sometimes you're at fault, sometimes they're at fault.  But in an Aspie marriage, it's ALL your fault.

Aspies deflect blame like it's required to breathe.  Did your Aspie zip his penis up in the zipper of his pants?  It's all your fault for buying him the pants that have an OBVIOUSLY faulty zipper.

Did your Aspie run someone off the road because they didn't look over their shoulder when they changed lanes?  It's all your fault for being in the car with him, playing the radio.  As a side note to this one: My STBE did run someone off the road, once, because he changed lanes and didn't look over his shoulder.  When I asked him later why he didn't look over his shoulder, he told me, "If I looked over my shoulder every time I changed lanes, I'd never be looking at the road!"  Shame on that other driver for not reading his mind, thus knowing he would want to change lanes, so the STBE could do so without encumbrance, huh?

When he said this, I responded with, "Maybe you're changing lanes too much, then?"  He stared at me for a few seconds.  I could see his eyes nearly spinning in his head.  He actually shook his head for a brief second, as if to try to make sense of what I'd just said, and then he paused, looked at me hard, and reared up and slapped me across the face so hard I saw stars for a few minutes.  He walked away after that.  I guess he spent all his rage in that one slap.  The next day, he saw my black eye and the bruise on the side of my face and asked me what happened.  I was stunned!  To this day, I can't explain this one so if you have an answer for it, let me know.

But I digress...

Nope.  Aspies are never responsible for anything that happens in their world that might be a little askew or wrong.  They'll always find someone else to blame.

This started becoming more apparent to me after our youngest left for the Air Force.  It took me a few months to figure it out but I did figure it out.  And I felt terrible!  Once I reconciled in my head what was happening, I sent the following message to my son.  At the time, we were still close enough to discuss this and I got the feeling he appreciated my sending this, even if it was months and years too late.
I'm sending you a message this way because I know you don't have Internet, thus, no real way of checking e-mail.  But I also don't know which e-mail you check regularly...
I'm in a group on FB of spouses of those with Asperger's.  I wrote this today and wanted to share it with you.  This says it better than anything else I've ever said...
Sounds like my life, Lisa. I've often told people, "My husband would lie to me even if the truth wouldn't hurt him".
They're like children, in that respect. I'm so tired of the arguing about who did what. For a long time, my ASH blamed our youngest, who was, for 10 years, an only child, due to the disparity in ages between him and our next one. My husband would constantly blame our youngest for everything going wrong in the house. It wasn't until our son was gone to basic training that I learned just how much my ASH was doing, after years of yelling at my son. I can't even count all the times I told him, "And now I'm punishing you twice as much for lying...!"
I called my son not long ago to apologize to him for it all, realizing now it's been my ASH, all along. But the damage was done. He's a great kid but he's been hurt a great deal by it all, not trusting his father or I for a very long time. I beat my head against the wall for years, trying to figure out just what I was doing that was so awful he felt he couldn't trust me. And now I know; I let him down in a most appreciable way.
It makes me sad to think of how many times my son walked away, deflated and hurt, simply because his dad used him as a shield from his own wrongdoings and lies and I didn't know any better. I wonder how many times he cried to himself before he just gave up and built the wall we now have between us.
I wonder, sometimes, if I'll ever be able to make it up to him and I doubt I ever will.
And such is life with an Aspie Narcissist.  They will deflect blame onto the rest of the world with no remorse or contrition as to who they damage, even if it's their kids.  They will blame anyone and everyone but themselves, and WILL leave a great deal of damage in their wake.

I tried to find to post on this page a meme I saw once or twice that said - Narcissism: The only mental illness where the sufferer is left alone and everyone else gets therapy.  Or something like that.  What does this have to do with an Aspie always blaming others?

Q: How many Aspies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only the one.  One to hold the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around them.

Aspies are so married to the idea it's they who are perfect and it's the rest of the world at fault, they simply can't let it go, even when/if presented with evidence to the contrary.  They will lie, cheat and steal their way through life for the sole purpose of never having themselves to blame.  When confronted with the fallacy of their argument, that it is they who were wrong or responsible, so begins the gas lighting.  Lies, lies and more lies to cover up the lies they've told before.  And the thing is, Aspies come to believe their lies so, to them, it's the truth.

A study was done (and I'm searching for the link - they seem to be eluding me today) where brain scans were done of both sociopaths and those with Asperger's and there were a lot of similarities.  Also, there's a huge similarity to Psychopathy, too.  The biggest similarity to all three of these is the lack of empathy.

Empathy is what we all feel when we see those ten hour long commercials of the starving children in Africa or the twenty hour long commercials for the ASPCA.  We're sad.  We imagine how difficult it must be for those poor children.  The more tender-hearted of us might cry at the thought of so much suffering.

For an Aspie (or a Sociopath, or a Psychopath), they feel nothing.  Nothing at all.  They don't have the ability to step into the shoes of another person and imagine how their actions can affect others.  They don't stop to think how blaming someone over and over again will chip away at their self-esteem over time.  They also don't stop to think how blaming someone else for their problems and bad times might begin to make someone question their own sanity!  But I'm SURE I didn't leave the milk out!  I'm POSITIVE I put the ice cream away when I was done.  I KNOW I didn't turn up the thermostat.

However, with the Aspie, they don't care that what they're doing is causing you anxiety.  They couldn't give a rat's ass their denying turning down the thermostat has you questioning if you're developing a second personality, one that hates to be cold, or that you're beginning to believe you're suffering from delusions (and I heard this one A LOT from the STBE - You're CRAZY and delusional!

For the Aspie, it's all about being "perfect".  And the sooner you remember that, the better off you'll be.