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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I said goodbye to a friend yesterday...

Um, okay, not yesterday but a couple days ago. And my friend didn't pass away, he left to go back home, which is a good thing. I'm happy for him that he's going home, but I'm sad he's gone, because this person could make me laugh faster than anyone else can.

However, true to form, I did what I always do when someone I care about leaves me, probably for good, and that's to pick a fight so I can tell myself, "Damn I'm glad they're gone..." Those of you who know me know I'm the product of an alcoholic parent who treated me badly in my growing up years. I love my dad now, but I can remember times I would lay in bed and wish he would die so I could get away from his daily hell. Now that he IS dead, I miss the heck out of him because I learned to deal with his abuse and forgave him for it. But, I think I'm going off the path here... Children of alcoholics tend to suffer abandoment issues so it's not odd I would do this. I know this about myself, that goodbyes don't come well to me. I was going out of my way to avoid my usual "let's pick a fight" thing...

However, I had gotten through the goodbye part without incident because of his coming to the house Sunday. I said goodbye, I told him I'd miss him (at which point he pushed out of the hug, but I think that's more his need for space than anything else) and we went our separate ways. It was a nice send off with some good memories, some of which still make me smile since my friend is as funny as he is (which is really a defense mechanism but since he's so funny, it's easy to forgive him that). And then he came in Monday morning due to a military delay... So much for my good intentions. We parted on a bad note with me sending him an e-mail Tuesday apologizing but I don't know he'll ever see it and if he does whether he'll forgive me or not.

I got all emo today when I was given a harsh reminder my friend was gone and spent a good several minutes crying my eyes out. Thank goodness my co-worker knows me well and she made me go to the ladies room to get it out of my system. When I returned, she promised me she'd give me a couple more days to sulk and then she would utilize her "slap-a-ho" system of recovery.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this down, that I miss my friend, knowing I'll probably never see him again. I don't know he'll ever read this given he's got a job that demands more time than he has in a day, but here goes - my friend, I miss you and wish you well in this world. If anyone deserves a break, it's you.