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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

To the Shiny Black Lexus in Sierra Vista the morning of Sep 16th, 2010

To the oblivious asshole driving the Black Lexus with the Texas tags this morning:

I was the white Jeep Liberty driving on Highway 92 coming into Sierra Vista, as I was taking my son to school this morning. You know me because I'm the automobile that you almost hit. I have the following to bring to your attention:

1 - Way to blaze a trail in your rush to get to where ever it was you were going. Just what DO idiot drivers such as yourself do so early in the morning? In your haste to make it to your final destination, you blew a stop sign entering onto Hwy. 92 (others might call it a "Hollywood stop" but I'm telling it like it is). I understand you're in a hurry but, seriously, getting into a major accident doesn't speed the process. Had it not been for my paying attention, we'd STILL be dealing with the police and reports and ambulances and my lawyer, who I'd call from the ER just to stand by and make sure your ass was made responsible. How does that get you to work on time?

2 - Last time I checked, stop signs were a rule, not a suggestion. A simple one-day driving class will teach you that STOP means STOP, not roll through without a care in the world as though WE are here to await YOU, your majesty

3 - I had my teenage son in the car with me. When you pulled onto the highway, after blowing aforementioned stop sign, after I had already entered the intersection (I had no stop sign, just the right-of-way - what a dumb-ass I AM, huh?) my son grabbed the "Oh shit" handle on the dash in preparation for what was sure to be a crash of near epic proportions. Had we hit you, not only would the speed of the impact have injured him but the deploying airbag would have broken both his arms, if not his nose as well. But as long as you get to where you're going, that's the important thing, right? The rest of us be damned! There's a young man driving a Black Lexus with Texas tags that HAS TO GET SOMEWHERE!!!!!

4 - I was shaking so hard I initially had to drive slowly after you finally realized what a stupid ass move you had made so I could calm down after nearly hitting another car at 50 miles per hour. You're pulling around me and screeching your tires to get away from the accident you nearly caused only served to enforce to all the other drivers around that nearly witnessed the accident what a supreme asshole you truly are. I'm sure many, many people went to work this morning with a story that began with, "You won't believe what nearly happened this morning on my way to work. Some asshole in a black Lexus with Texas tags blew a stop sign and nearly caused what was sure to be a horrible accident".

5 - I'm sure the poor driver waiting to turn left (you know, the car that prevented you from being able to blow through the ENTIRE intersection), the car that was SO STUPID as to not back off the intersection so you could see the ENTIRE world, I'm sure they shit gold bricks as they watched a potential trauma unfold mere inches from the hood of their car. My guess is they went straight to Walgreen's or the closer still Fry's to refresh their Depends following your great act of narcissism.

6 - Oh, and THAT driver actually pulled over to make sure I was okay after nearly being t-boned by you (or by my nearly t-boning you because once you realized a one and a half-ton SUV was about to hit you, you OF COURSE stopped in the road so as to prolong everyone's agony with regard to, "Is that white SUV going to hit that shiny black Lexus with the Texas tags?") to make sure I was okay. I suppose you deem your life to be so much more worthy than the rest of us that you couldn't be bothered to make sure you didn't cause injury to anyone in the OTHER car that had to go from 50 mph to Zero in, what? Two seconds? I had shit flying all over the inside of my car due to your stupidity. A book on the back seat flew up and hit my son in the back of the head. But, oh, silly me - YOU, Mr. Shiny black Lexus with the Texas tags, HAD TO GET SOMEWHERE!!!

7 - There are a large number of driving classes all over the state if not the world. Take one. Take two. Given you're so stupid, maybe three. Learn the rules of the road and always remember - STOP means STOP, not "Dude, I know the red sign SAYS Stop but what it really means is, everyone has to stop BUT the black Lexus with the Texas tags and everyone else can go pound sand". It probably couldn't hurt for you to learn that cars ENTERING the roadway DO NOT have right-of-way over cars already IN THE FUCKING INTERSECTION, ASSHOLE!!!

8 - Finally, and this is the one you should REALLY pay attention to - it's probably a good thing that you have enough money to drive a black Lexus with Texas tags given your driving skills are, well, let's just say it, non-existent. Had you caused an accident in spite of my obvious powers of observation and incredible driving, and hurt either me or (especially) my son, I'd have sued you from now until your grandchildren died of old age. I'd have made sure you could never afford, for the rest of your life, transportation beyond a tricycle or skateboard and your having even that much money would piss me off. I'd have sued you so well and for so long your descendants would be cursing you for centuries for leaving them a lawsuit so expensive they could never hope for more in their pantry other than rice and oatmeal, and oatmeal is a pipe dream.

I am done ranting here but, rest assured Mr. Shiny Black Lexus with the Texas tags, driving like yours eventually catches up to you. I just hope you don't kill someone in your haste to get to work on time. You got lucky this morning but next time, it might not have a good turn out.

On top of all of this, I had to throw down my McDonald's Egg McMuffin to maintain control of my car. You owe me an Egg McMuffin.